Compared to School...

I wasn't going to write this post (am trying to write another), but was prodded into it by two other blog posts posted on Facebook today, by two very lovely ladies.

The first was this one from the archives of Ross Mountney, encouraging just-starting home educators (but also encouraging to anyone HE'ing and needing reassurance).  It highlighted a train of thought I had earlier today about Home Ed compared to school.  I wasn't wobbling, just thinking about all the lessons they cram in to every day compared to the little we have on the planner (for said planner see my next post, coming soon...).  I get the need for Maths & English: they are vital skills - but history?  to a six year old?  (Sorry history lovers, it's just an example based on where the train of thought went next...)  I remember a history lesson from lower primary school about Vikings.  I remember it because I copied the picture that my neighbour had drawn and was subsequently told off.  I do not however remember a single fact that I was "taught" in that lesson.  And it just reassured me that there is no point comparing what we do with schools, because so much of the 'force-fed' education in school will simply be forgotten by those who weren't interested.  As a teacher I was always trying to find new ways to engage my students, to make lessons interesting etc, but had to accept that there was no way of guaranteeing that every student would remember everything I taught. Still, I persisted, and hopefully some of it will have gone in.  Now though, I am so relieved not to have to do all that stressful planning (sorry teacher-friends if that sounds smug)... I find fun ideas, and put them in front of the boys to pick up if they're inspired - but at least equally as often, they find their own fun ideas, and if I can't help, we learn together.  My kids may seem to spend less time learning (or in structured learning at least), but they will remember more of what they learn, because they want to know it... that's the plan anyway!

This train of thought then had me thinking about the 'gaps', or subjects that we don't cover, not having a prescribed programme of study such as the National Curriculum - but before I had chance for it to develop into even a hint of a wobble, I saw this post about Homeschool gaps, shared by a good friend.  The point that the author rightly makes, is that in raising enthusiastic, self-directed learners, we are empowering them so that when they reach an area that they don't know about but need or want to, they will simply find out for themselves.  And of course, there will be gaps in any education, no matter how comprehensive the curriculum.  A history-loving HE friend (read her blog post here) was recently bemoaning the difficulty of studying subjects like the Bronze Age at home, because its exclusion from the National Curriculum means that resources on the subject are not perceived as in demand enough to be stocked in shops.  Et voila: a gap in the education of every state-schooled child.   Quite simply, no education is ever going to cover every single thing that your child is ever going to want or need to know - but home educators are privileged to be able to cater for the interests of the individual in a way that school education would never be able to do, and for that I am enormously grateful!

Educating More than One Individual

It's been a really nice season lately - we've been pretty laid back about all the ebbs and flows of our home educating, and I'm increasing in confidence at our methods (or lack of method).  I don't even care much about all those who dictate that theirs is the one 'best' method to do this funny thing called Home Education.  It may be best for them, but I believe I am most qualified to judge what is best for us!

There's just been one cloud in the otherwise sunny sky... and that is the fact that I am educating three very different personalities at home (and elsewhere).  I was about to say three "little" personalities, referring to their age and size comparative to me, the big grown-up - but the truth is, their personalities are every bit as big as mine, and certainly more demanding at times!  Anyway, one of the many reasons why people, including us, turn to home education is the opportunity to tailor the learning to the needs, styles and abilities of the individual.  Only when you have more than one individual with different needs, abilities etc, that's when it can get more challenging.

Educationally speaking for us, it's not too bad: all three boys do Reading Eggspress and MathsWhizz with varying levels of enthusiasm on different days - and on the whole, that presents no problems, other than making sure they each get their turn on whichever computer is in use.  They also all enjoy doing project work and creating lapbooks, in their different styles: Eldest likes creating books with multiple chapters, doing a separate page for each sub-topic, researching information on the web, typing up what he has discovered and finding photos to include - he learns as he creates, but rarely looks at them once finished; Middle likes a simple envelope file with lots of fiddly bits and interactive pop-out bits, he will read books about his subject, and loves me to print off resources so he doesn't have to do too much writing - but he re-reads his lapbooks a few times after he has created them, learning more from them after the process of creating is complete; Youngest loves his lapbooks and takes them every bit as seriously as those of his brothers.  I am a lot more involved as he's not yet up to doing much research (he is just reading, but not fluently yet) - although this week he announced that he wanted to do a lapbook on Alligator Snapping Turtles, based on information he had learned from "Octonauts" on CBeebies.  He told me what he wanted to include - and I typed it up, found the pictures, and drew the dotted lines for him to write along.  He has only just started to learn to write, and I was so proud of him today - he really concentrated and his letter formation is already looking good, for a beginner! *Lapbook photos at the end*

Their further individual preferences are fairly easy to cater for as well: Eldest likes computer games (Grid club a big hit), taking photos, drawing, writing his diary, making up cartoon-strip stories - he needs little input from me as he is older, other than liking to share his findings with me; Middle likes anything creative - baking, art (especially collage), modelling, gardening etc - he positively glows when he gets to do things with me;  Youngest also loves computer games, imaginative play, investigating everything (whether it's his or someone else's - hmmmm) - he is quite independent by nature, but needs a fair amount of supervision still: if he goes quiet somewhere I still need to track him down.  There is a lot of overlap too - they are all happy to do science experiments, make cakes, explore nature, have a go at an art project, make up games together... and today they spent a good couple of hours all playing "Spin 'n' Groove" on Gridclub - a music sampling mini-program where they get to compose their own music from given samples.

So, as I said, educationally things are OK.  Yes I'm busy - there are occasions when one has to wait while I finish with one brother, but it's OK, we seem to have settled into a groove that works for us to make sure everyone is getting on fine, and nobody seems to have to wait for too long.  Part of the reason why this works I think is because we keep most of our mornings free for them to be at home, exploring whatever has their interest at the time, doing the more obvious "learning" - and we are all comfortable with that routine. 

So if not educationally, what is the issue?  Well, it's largely social.  Eldest is a proper people-person.  He loves playing with friends, and not infrequently mentions that he misses school - largely because he misses seeing his best friend every day - although he is always quick to add that he doesn't miss it enough to want to go back.  Middle however is more introverted.  Where at a social gathering Eldest will play with many people at once (the more the better), Middle tends to just make one good friend and focus on having fun with them - he doesn't handle big groups so much.  He is really very friendly to anyone, he doesn't hang back anymore like he did when we left school - but he is much less confident that people will want to play with him, and if he has a discouraging experience it puts him right off going back.  Meanwhile Youngest is mr. independent.  Totally happy playing by himself or with his brothers, he is happy for people to play with him if they want, but he doesn't go out of his way to invite them, and at the moment, wouldn't care if we never went anywhere social.

So my problem is always this: where can we go to 'socialise' (for Eldest's sake at least) that isn't too academic (the range between an eleven-year-old and a four-year-old is really quite a stretch and usually leaves at least one of them uninterested), that is on in the afternoons (to protect our little routine while it is working for us), and doesn't threaten Middle, confidence-wise.

We do have craft club - which is so lovely we make an exception to the 'afternoon' rule.  As it's on Tuesday mornings it follows pyjama day (which is set in stone: the boys are passionate about protecting PJ Day at home), and they boys physically need to get out fairly early. Heather who runs it is lovely and flexible, happy for the boys to do their own thing, which they often do, and there are always children there to play with after they have finished creating.

Other than that, there is a sports group which we used to go to and Eldest loves.  Youngest is ambivalent, but Middle had an off-putting experience when I encouraged him to have a go at something he wasn't sure about, it didn't go well, and he was crushed - I didn't realise how badly until he refused to go back.  I don't see the point in forcing him back - he's the sort of child who needs to be allowed time to be ready himself - if you force him, you just set the process right back.  However, I really need to find another place for Eldest (and his brothers) to have the opportunity for socialising in larger groups (we frequently have playdates with friends in their houses; socialising in general isn't an issue).  Happily for us, a friend has had the genius idea of setting up a fortnightly nature group.  I mean, what could be more perfect for us? (I can't believe I didn't think of it myself!)  So we have our first outing planned next week, and a few more ideas for following that.  I am very excited.  So watch this space: here's hoping it goes as well as I foresee...

Finally, before I leave you with Youngest's lapbook, I was introduced to this blog post today, from tutorspree blog, and am sharing it for anyone interested in reading more about educating individuals.

And now (if you've stuck with me thus far, thank you - that was a bit of a mammoth post!)... Youngest's lapbook.  I admit, it's not a subject I would immediately have thought of suggesting, but bless him: he knew everything he wanted to say, and he did a great job!

Choosing the Right Resources

We have decided that we want to learn about rocks. To be honest, this is mostly my decision, but based on things that I've seen the boys get enthused about lately (volcanoes, mountains, pebble collections, crystals etc).  I'm not expecting a project of deep and thorough academic investigation - just enough exploring every now and then to hopefully capture their innate sense of wonder in the world around them (and then stop before it gets boring for them... well that's the plan, anyway).  So I've been trying to prepare myself with at least some understanding (I know almost nothing about geology), in order to be able to help the boys learn. 

First I picked up a project book called 'Rocks and Minerals'  by Dorling Kindersley.  Given that it's aimed at ages 8-12 I wasn't anticipating too many problems, but oh my!  Did I feel thick after reading it...?! (yes I did).  I was really disillusioned and immediately felt that it was going to turn out to be too boring to be a fun project.  Fortunately it's not the only resource out there (although I'm sure those of you with children who like workbooks etc may find it really helpful).  Happily for us I also found the National Geographic book on the subject from the 'Everything' series... loads of photos and small amounts of text on the page are brilliant for Middle, my visual learner.  And my interest was re-ignited too!  We also found an 'Earth Science' DVD from the Rock n Learn series - the boys loved the Human Body DVD we had from the same series - and they all learn really well from watching TV, so I had high hopes for this DVD, although at £15 I hesitated to buy it without seeing the contents.  I'm glad we did though - another success; they loved it!  To be honest, it doesn't do much for me - but it's about what works best for them rather than myself.  Oh, and a friend recommended a lovely book called Geology Rocks, which has lots of ideas for little experiments the boys can do (eg sand sculpting, making glass out of sugar etc), that Eldest and Middle have already been through, sticking post-its on all the pages with experiments that they fancy doing.  'Hands on' projects are always a success - and memorable too.  I think we're all kinesthetic learners at least in part!  Of course, as this project was partly inspired by seeing how fascinated the boys were with the rocks on the beach while we were on holiday, I do really want to build up our own little collection - you can't beat being able to touch and handle things in order to learn!

With that in mind, we had a couple of 'hands-on' moments today, to see if interest would spark... and it did!  First we did an underwater volcano experiment from Middle's Booms, Bangs & Fizzes kit that he was given for Christmas.  Chemical reactions are always fun to watch!  Then we broke open some geodes that we had bought for just over £1 each online.  It's a lovely activity because the boys needed to exercise patience, and then finding out what was inside each boring-looking little rock was really exciting for them.  I found a lovely page on the web that explained a bit more about them too, without going into excessive detail.

the hammer and chisel (or in our case screwdriver) method was preferred over putting the geode in a sock and smacking it on a chopping board... safety goggles a must, though!

 The boys were all thrilled with their findings... obviously I had to share all of them on my blog!

 Eldest's findings

 

 Middle's findings

 Youngest's findings

Starting a new project has made me think again of the importance of finding out which learning styles most suit each little learner - they may not be the same styles as our own, of course - and they may all be different from each other too.  Having explored a few options now, I'm happy that the variety of resources we have should be enough to get us going... and then if their curiosity really takes off, we'll follow their interest wherever it leads!  If not, I at least have already learned things that I didn't know before, and we've all had fun - so that's got to be a success!

Oops

another week passed with no blogging... oops!

Last week was really busy - lots of lovely meets and other good stuff.  Then of course this weekend saw the return of some serious snow, so everyone in the HE community has temporarily resumed hibernation.  I do love that we can do that, by the way... so thankful for not having to get up even earlier to allow extra time on the school run for defrosting the car and getting everyone bundled up against the cold etc.  Anyway, the hedgehogs obviously have it sussed... no sign of them emerging from hibernation yet - I should have known spring was still a way away: wild animals always seem so much better tuned in to the seasons than us!

Anyway, we've had a lovely 'snowed-in' pyjama day today: Reading Eggs followed by lapbooks followed by "Absolute Genius" (CBBC Programme about Vincent Van Gogh) followed by an attempt at painting some Easter cards.  I won't post them here as we want them to be a surprise for the family members who receive them, but we had fun - and made a lot of mess!"

Our big news: the end of this week will mark our first anniversary since we left school and started our home ed journey. So much has changed in that year - mostly in my head as I have re-educated myself, but also in the boys' behaviour.  Eldest has calmed down considerably, and my relationship is better with him, because I am less busy and have spent more time with him, and I feel I've got to know him again - we're able to focus on shared passions (eg wildlife) rather than stressing over his incomplete homework, and as we are together more I am much better able to spot when he is losing the ability to cope - so I can help him to apply 'calming-down' techniques more quickly.  Middle has beome again the happy, affectionate, funny little boy that he was.  His confidence has returned, and just recently I have been marvelling once more at how very bright he is - how quickly he grasps concepts etc.  He had lost so much confidence that he totally believed he couldn't do anything.  It's just such a blessing to see him restored to the little person he was created to be!  Youngest has probably changed the least - but then he had only had two terms in preschool, where he quite enjoyed bossing the other children about (that's just how he is).  I am glad we took him out as well though - we did wonder about letting him stay, but he is such a boisterous person, I'm sure there would have been conflict down the line if he had stayed... plus we felt that it was important for us as a whole family to be sharing the journey.  It's a matter of pedagogy now: I totally believe the best way for my children to learn is at home (and out and about), following their own interests and passions, not in a 'one-education-fits-all' establishment.  And Youngest is making good progress with his reading and motor skills - and is such a bundle of energy to have around, we really have no regrets.  Nope, none at all.

I'm hoping to write a porper "First Ediversary" post soon, but we've got a lot on for the next couple of weeks, so we'll see.  Either way, I'm really looking forward to the next year of Home Ed - I'm just so excited to see what it will bring us... and a year of experience under our belts means I have less trepidation entering the second year: I know it works, I know how fab it is, I wouldn't miss it for the world. 

Mood Swings, Muffins and Matisse

Eldest is having a growth spurt.  I had noticed some hefty mood swings recently, and his appetite (which is usually tiny) has increased several times over... he eats more than me at the moment!  As with all times when my children exhibit unusual behaviour, I take it as a sign that I need to draw closer to them - and this week I have really enjoyed the chance to spend time together working on his lapbook.  He had quite a few really lovely comments made about his first lapbook (as shared in "We Love Mondays"), and that spurred him on to do an even better book next time, for his "fans"!  Perfect opportunity for Mummy to sit down with him and spend time working on it together.  He still did all the work, but I gave him a few tips, like for every animal pictured, include their name, where they're from and an interesting fact about them.  I don't want to load work onto him so it becomes a chore, but I do feel that he is ready to be stretched a bit, and left to himself he has great ideas, but tends to rush them through a bit - so I've sat with him this week and helped him to focus on getting each page exactly as he wants, not rushing over mistakes.  We've had so much fun going through it together, giggling over mispronounced words and funny facts found while researching, it's been lovely!  I'm so grateful for Home Ed once again - the chance to spend quality time with my boy when he most needs to be reminded that he's loved.

And today it wasn't just Eldest, either - I had some precious one-on-one time with each of my boys, while their siblings were occupied elsewhere (it would be lovely if it were like that every day, but usually we just muddle along, bouncing between rooms, children and activities).  Eldest and I worked on his lapbook as mentioned above, and later I also "helped" Middle with his lapbook.  Whereas Eldest's lapbook is almost entirely done on the computer (with a bit of cutting and sticking) and our working together involves researching, some dictation etc (him to me), Middle's is a lot more practical and hands-on: I've printed off lots of little folded-books, flap-books etc for him from the Homeschool Share templates, some of which already had the information written inside, and we had lovely some snuggles this morning with Middle reading the amazing body facts out to me (he particularly enjoyed boasting that he had more bones and better hearing than me because he's younger).  Then once Youngest had finished his puzzles and time on Reading Eggs (in the same room as Eldest and me, so I could marvel at how much he has progressed while having time off), he and I went to bake some muffins - "just you and me".  He particularly wanted to make some that our lactose-intolerant lodger could share, so we made some carrot muffins.  I thought they were lovely, but Youngest couldn't get past the thought of vegetables inside a cake, and has decided that he doesn't like them.  He loved grating the carrots though - we used the grating attachment on the foodmixer, and he relished pushing the carrots down with the plunger while watching the sharp grater holes do their thing.  He loves gadgets generally, so it was a real winner (apart from not liking the taste of the end result!)

After all the individual work we had some Mummy-led together time where we looked at some art by Matisse, using one of the Smart about Art books that we have - we really like that series.  We talked about how Matisse used just scissors, paper and glue in his later pictures, and how he liked bright colours... and we grabbed our own scissors, glue and brightly coloured paper to have a go for ourselves.  It is harder than it looks, not to use pencils for details or to draw outlines to cut along, but again, we were all pleased with our finished art...
 

"Insect Hill", by Eldest

 



"Underwater Creatures" by Middle

he took extra care over his Sea Hare (top left corner), complete with anatomically correct 'poo-cannon'!

"Zoo" by Youngest

"Jungle Flower" by Mummy

Finally we had a game of Animal Families (like 'Happy Families', but based on animals grouped by classification).  Another lovely day - but for those of you who may be tempted to compare yourselves unfavourably, you'll be relieved to hear that yesterday was nowhere near like this.  Our HE group that we were looking forward to was cancelled at the last minute, and we all felt a bit "flobberly" (it's a family word!) without that focus to the day.  So we basically did very little, which somehow resulted in a lot of mess.  I can't actually remember any of what we did - it was that 'good'!  But I'm including it here for the sake of balance: a little inspiration (hopefully) for those who could use it, and commiserations with anyone else experiencing a non-productive 'flobberly day'.  Whichever applies to you, I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

Finding Our Way

It's been a really good weekend - I feel like I'm starting to make sense of things.  As I mentioned at the end of Friday's post, Structure v Autonomy, a friend pointed me in the direction of a really helpful blog about what the author, Melissa Wiley, calls "Tidal Homeschooling", where home education flows in seasons, at times led by the mother/ educator on projects that she leads them all on, and at other times led by the children's freedom to explore and mull over things that appeal to them.  The post may have been a few years old, but I read it at exactly the right time for me!  In the post there is a link to all of the Tidal Homeschooling posts that followed the original, and they were also really helpful.  One in particular caused a lovely penny-dropping moment.  It was while reading her post Tidal Homeschooling, Part 3.  I recommend reading the whole post as I found it all so beneficial - but the bit that impacted me the most was a quote that obviously similarly impacted her...

“The adults in the child’s life,” writes the Headmistress, referencing Charlotte Mason,

"have the ‘power of appeal and inspiration,’ and the responsibility to act ‘the part of guide, philosopher and friend’ to these young people with wonderful minds but no knowledge to speak of.
“Or… we can just abandon them to their uninformed judgment about what’s important and what isn’t, leave them to their own devices, and allow them to believe that their own judgment about what is and is not important to know is just as well informed and solid an opinion as Mortimer Adler’s, Thomas Jefferson’s, Peter’s, Paul’s, or…. yours. Leaving children to pick up what scraps of knowledge they think to ask about, willy nilly, is not doing them any favors. It isn’t respectful of their situation as newcomers to the world or to the adults they will grow up to be. And if we don’t do our job as the adults in their lives when they are small, the adults they grow up to be will have a malnourished background upon which to build.’ "
 

Reading that was like coming home!  It was like somebody had put their finger right on the area that had been niggling away at me since we started exploring Home Education and trying to find a balance that works for us. Once I read the above quote, and the subsequent comments made by the blogger, about the importance of guiding your children (in an autonomous setting that usually involves strewing interesting books, TV documentaries, day trips, experiences etc across their paths, that they would most likely otherwise not have noticed - and seeing what they choose to pick up and run with), I realised that at times I had fallen into the trap of thinking that autonomous education is about just leaving the children to it (it's not) - and it was at those times that I started craving more structure as it's the only way I am familiar with of leading.   

So clearly, for me now it is not so much about structure v autonomy as it is about parent-led v child-led.  And I have given us permission to be a delightful mixture of both.  Tidal learners in fact (thank you, Melissa Wiley) - at times led by Mummy's (and Daddy's) ideas of what they might enjoy or what would be good for them to be exposed to, with all the enthusiasm and fun we can infuse into whatever it is - and at times led by their own choices and decisions on what they would like to learn more about - with plenty of time just to mull over and play.

*Big sigh of relief*  I feel like my head is back where it needs to be!  Such a relief! Thank you for still reading and being patient while I sorted my thoughts out!

So anyway,  having given myself permission to be more pro-active in their learning (I know, it's embarrassing the silly muddles I can get myself in), I had one-on-one chats with the older boys on Saturday (I have no qualms about Youngest currently), to find out what they think about what we're doing.  It turns out one of the things they miss from school is "Merit Box": a box of small toys and treats that they would 'buy' with the merits they had earned for good work or behaviour during the week.  Much as I don't like a system that invariably falls into unhealthy comparisons (the "good" children always getting more merits than the "naughty" ones), I don't want to deny them something they enjoy - so we have started a small treasure box with the left over party favours from Middle's birthday (chocolate coins, glowsticks etc) - and now we just need to agree on what basis they get the treasure...

Also, I showed Eldest some lapbooks that friends had been kind enough to post online for me to see.  Well, he couldn't wait to start making one - about ocean life, unsurprisingly - but he wants it to be a big one, with chapters - so I taped a few square files together to give him ten pages to fill.  He has already designed and printed the cover, printed some photos and written the 'chapter' on endangered fish. When I say chapter, it was a sentence or two with photos under flaps, but it's his, and he's enthusiastic about it (and he's learning while researching) - so I'm happy!

Whe I asked Middle what he wanted to learn about his smile vanished and shoulders slumped.  "Oh poo" I thought - "he really is still deschooling".  I hastily changed the 'schoolish' terminology of "learning" and reassured him I meant was there anything he was interested in finding out about.  He thought seriously for a moment and then his face brightened a bit and he said, "we-ell, I could do about growing!" (still thinking in terms of having to perform).  I asked if he'd like to get some frogspawn later on and watch it grow into frogs, and he got much happier and started describing a "circle with arrows" (lifecycle) picture that he wanted to draw... and hopped down and ran off to draw just that.  When I showed him the lapbooks online his response was not so enthusiastic as Eldest (Middle seeing it as work to be done), but when I provided him with a folder today to stick his drawings in, he was very keen.  I just need to remember that with him it's all about momentum: just get him interested and the rest follows; if you present a task up front he finds it off-putting, regardless of how much he would actually enjoy it in practice.

So hopefully I'll have some lap-book photos to share in my next post - but for now, I just feel a lot happier that my head is settled and my boys are enthusiastic learners once more - we're still mooching round the woods, (see A Little Wobble from last week) but not feeling so direction-less any more... we're meandering wth purposeful enjoyment once again!

Structure v Autonomy

Can you hear my brain stretching from where you are?

Unsurprisingly, given the latest little wobble, I have been revisiting the old "structure v autonomy" debate that has permanent residence in my head.  Sometimes I manage to ignore it better than other times, that's all!  Maybe the whole of HE is just one big debate/ experiement on the subject - or maybe I will have an 'answer' one day, who knows?!

Part of me is incredibly frustrated with myself for still vacillating on the subject, but I still want to be true to where we're at on this journey, in case it helps others.  I guess anyone who's as bored with the subject as I am tempted to be just won't be reading - so it's just me and you then.  Pull up a chair and I'l fill you in... bear with me while I try to be patient with where I am...

Today I posted in a forum asking why it is that there seems to be laods of information available on autonomous HE, but so little on the structured side of things.  We decided between us that structured Home Ed'ors aren't necessarily embarrassed by the way they home educate - after all, it is what works for their family - BUT, there have been too many groups where anyone who mentions that they are structured in their approach then gets metaphorically jumped on and made to feel somehow inferior for not being autonomous (it's almost as 'bad' as saying you voluntarily accept LA visits - shocking thought!!!).  You know, I can't bear this kind of judgemental behaviour.  It's hard enough going against the flow of mainstream education when you choose to home educate, let alone arguing between ourselves about the 'right' or 'wrong' way to do it - surely we need to be supporting each other's freedom to choose whatever works best for us?!

Anyway, I digress.  Today we had a trip to Toys R Us to spend some Christmas/ birthday money and vouchers.  While we were there I spotted and bought an English workbook for 10-11 year olds approaching their SATs.  I mean, what was that all about?  Since when have I wanted to measure how any of them were "keeping up" with their peers in school?  I don't even believe in education as a race! 

Well, partly I think that when we started HE I knew we needed to get away from the intense structure of school, so we probably swung to the other extreme - and as the boys and I obviously needed deschooling, that was immeasurably helpful for all of us.  I think that now I'm just swinging back, and feeling the need to go over the issues again, to get a more balanced view - and that is manifesting as a stronger desire for structure at the moment.

Also, I have lately felt that Eldest is growing beyond the point where we can all look at things together - he is capable of taking subjects much further than we can go when we're looking at things together with his brothers (eg with things like kitchen science experiments) - but I don't think he knows how to take it further, so I'm feeling the need to "educate" him.  This is most likely the reason for my mind having been churning over how to HE three boys of different levels - because I can see Eldest is ready to be stretched.  (I'm still not resolved on that though... it's an ongoing issue...)  However, he may be ready to be stretched, but that doesn't mean he wants to be.  Similarly, Youngest is showing signs of being ready to start writing (his fine motor control is improving, he's drawing circles, lines etc)... but he's not interested if I give him a 'learning to write' worksheet.  So I'm not going to push it - I figure he'll let me know when he's ready.  And maybe I need to apply the same logic to Eldest: when he's truly ready to push himself, he'll let me know...?  It's a nerve-wracking game though, trusting your child to show you when they really are ready - and what if my instincts turn out to be correct (in that he really does need help finding direction)?  I do love the child-led nature of unschooling, but I don't like the rigid idea that the parents shouldn't "interfere".  As a mother I believe we can trust our instincts concerning our children, and as a Christian I believe that God leads us to the best for each of our children... and as both of those, I believe that I mustn't discard my concerns simply because they don't match up with a certain ideology.

So what am I saying?  Good question!  I think I'm saying that while I doubt we'll ever yield to a complete classroom-type structure, I suspect we may need a bit more structure in our HE journey - and I'm giving myself permission to explore that.  It doesn't mean I'm forcing my will on my children; and it doesn't mean they will have to stop having fun, just to meet my demands.  It means that if I perceive a need for a bit of direction, that's OK.  Just like when children learn to ride a bike: some steadfastly refuse any help until they've mastered it for themselves (I was always this kind of child); some need their parents giving them stability and helping them to balance before letting them go.  Neither is better or worse - both are just learning to ride in their own way.  With Eldest I feel like he's coming to a new area of growth where he might need a bit of stability for a while, until he takes off by himself again.  I'm sure if he gets fed up of being held up (or more likely, being held back), he'll soon say! And if it looks like I'm putting him off, you can be sure I'll back right off!  Generally it doesn't take long at all before he's raring to go at whatever the new thing is.

Does this apply to the others? Well, I'm really chilled with where Youngest is right now; I don't feel any need to push him or change anything for the time being.  With Middle, although I feel like if I tried to introduce any structure he would run a mile, actually I suspect there is a confidence issue.  Sometimes he needs a little coercion to do something until he realises he loves it, which then makes him feel really good about himself, so a bit of a nudge in the right direction could be a good thing - but in his case it's more about specifics (such as writing in cursive which he has expressed a desire to do but reluctance to practice) and therefore may end up being the most structured for a while, with Mummy cheering him on all the way.

So who knows?  that's where we are right now - happy to try something new and see how it goes, but not writing anything in stone!  No change then!

PS A friend just posted a link to a blog about "Tidal Homeschooling"that really fits with where I'm at - I absolutely love it!  So I'm sharing it here too :)

A Little Wobble

I don't ever seem to get major wobbles - you know, the sort that make you seriously consider if your child(ren) would be better off in school.  Because mine have already done the school thing I am completely confident that they are better off with me (for reasons that regular blog-readers will be familiar with, so I won't take up space by repeating it all here).  However, the little sneaky wobbles where you just catch yourself wondering "am I doing this right?"; "is my child ever going to get interested in anything other than Minecraft?"; "should we be doing X Y or Z?" (argh, "should"... *smacks head*  shoulds are never far from the wobbles!)... yes, I get those! 

So I've been thinking about this again, and I've concluded that I'm feeling a bit directionless.  One thing I liked about teaching was having it all laid out before you - the national curriculum clearly showing the way; a nice broad path, clearly marked out, heading ultimately to one goal: GCSEs (or equivalent).  Subjects, Topics, Workbooks, Attainment Targets, Lesson Plans, Assessment Forms - easy peasy (apart from the phenomenal amount of work involved in creating and maintaining all of the above!!).  Of course, the main problem was guiding groups of different children with different abilities and different passions along the same path.  It wasn't in fact a production line where you could put each child through the same process and get the same results at the end.  Some children flourished, some struggled, some were ruined.  Hence the perceived need for Home Education: the chance for us to walk a different path; one of our own making... a little adventure.  No nice straight path here - more of a meander through the woods, exploring whichever openings take our fancy, with some openings leading to dead-ends, some possibly getting a bit boggy, and some leading to absolutely glorious, soul-flooding places of wonder where you just want to set up camp.  Best of all, getting to share that path with the people I love most in the world.

But... do you see the problem?  Wandering in the woods is lovely - truly; it's one of my favourite things to do.  It's just that sometimes you can get a bit lost.  And at times like this you can find yourself longing to be back on the straight open road with signposts everywhere, and the reassurance of millions of other people all doing the same thing...  No?  Well OK, maybe not - but at least a map would be nice!

So that's where I am: a little bit lost.  Yes, we're dong the English & Maths curriculum.  My twin safety blankets of Reading Eggs and MathsWhizz - the equivalent of those little yellow arrows you get in the woods, giving a vague sense of direction (and a little sigh of relief: "oh good, a yellow arrow: at least I'm on a recognised route; even if it's not the one I started on, it'll take me somewhere civilised!").  If sometimes I get a little concerned that the online 'work' is getting too boring for the boys, or it's going against my desire to have them following only their passions, I give them a few days off (like we have this week), and reaasure myself that half an hour a day is hardly going to stop their brains working for themselves.  And yes, I have given myself permission to make suggestions, to invite them into the things that I think would be interesting.  They make suggestions too.  It's nice; we have fun; we learn... I'm just feeling a bit 'where-next'-ish.

OK then, so when I'm lost what do I do?  Well first I try to work out where I am. In HE terms, this is like taking stock of where we are.  Take Eldest this morning.  I didn't think he'd done anything much except mooch, but after a lovely little chat (I wasn't interrogating him honest, just taking an interest!) it turns out he had...
1/ written a poem for Mummy about Mummy
2/ learned about the Tudors and pirates on 'Horrible Histories Gory Games' (TV)
3/ drawn Spongebob cartoons for Middle
4/ built lego constructions
5/ experimented with building a tornado machine using plastic bottles
6/ learned more about wildlife on 'Barney's Barrier Reef' and 'Natural Born Hunters'
7/ read a few books:  the Ultimate Official Guide to Club Penguin,  Waddle On Joke Book,  Professor Bumblebrains Bonkers Book of God
For a mooch, I'd say he's been quite productive!  What a little star!
And as for Middle and Youngest?  They played together really nicely all morning!  Marble runs, Kid K'nex constructions, imaginative role play... and more.  They were playing so nicely I didn't want to interrupt.  Yes I would have liked them doing things I could more easily tick off as 'subjects', but I know better than to try to make them confirm to my wobbly insecurities.  Personally, yes, I would like a bit more structure (not least because a few of my friends are having very successful structured times of it at the moment, which always brings it to my attention again) - but I'm fairly sure that Middle at least would balk at the idea. Eldest might go for it for a while, but he's doing OK without anyway. Youngest has lost any interest in workbooks etc - but he's easy in the sense that he's very definite about his likes and interests. If he wants to learn something you won't stop him, and if he doesn't want to, there's no point trying to persuade him.  Generally, it's quite clear to me that there is still some deschooling in process.

If I know where we are (we're doing OK, learning, and to a degree still deschooling), we can't be totally lost!  The next question then is: do I know where we're going?  Not in terms of having signposts and maps, or tickboxes no - but generally?  I need to remind myself of why I'm doing this - what's the goal?  Basically, we're aiming at producing happy, well-adjusted individuals, capable of discovering and pursuing their own interests.  Exams are not our goal.  When you've been in educational surroundings for as long as I have, it can seem that exam results are the be-all and end-all of education - so forgive me if I'm stating the obvious... I just need to remind myself so I don't go into autopilot.  You know that feeling when you're an experienced driver - you're driving along and realise that you weren't paying full attention, you're just on auto-pilot, following the familar roads that you're used to, to get home or another well-travelled-to destination?  Well in educational terms, exams are my auto-pilot. I need to periodically remind myself that that is NOT our destination any more.  True, they may well be a valuable stop off along the way, to help any of our boys get to where they want to go, but my focus is on producing enthusiastic and capable learners, and eventually adults who are fulfilled in their lives.  The boys don't yet know what they want from lives occupation-wise, so there's no point looking for a map to follow.  We're back to meandering, exploring & looking for the next inspiration to strike.

To go back to where I started then...am I still feeling lost?  Um... well, still a bit directionless, but given that none of the boys have expressed any desire to learn/ achieve any one thing at the moment, that's understandable.  We are heading in the right direction - and I'm pretty sure at least some of us are still deschooling (I certainly am).  Whatever we do, while writing this post I have come to realise again that the hardest thing about HE for me is that I can't use any one method with all three boys.  I think I need to focus again on the best way to help Eldest, the best way to help Middle, and the best way to help Youngest - and see where that leads us.  Following three individual paths at once? Now there's a challenge!  And a whole other blog post!  Excuse me while I go & let my brain whirr...

A PS to Yesterday's Post - and some lovely Art

Well that was a great big long blog post yesterday - and it completely failed to make the point that I was supposed to be trying to get to (combination of running out of time and just getting distracted by my own waffle - oops!  Don't think I'll ever make a pro-blogger ;) )

Anyway, I was talking about why I see the need for us to use online curricula, even though we are stongly drawn to the 'unschooling' end of the HE spectrum.  We've been 'doing' Home Ed since Easter this year: more deschooling than anything else which has been incredibly helpful - I strongly recommend it to anyone just embarking on their HE adventure.  Now we're entering a new 'term', I've been taking stock of where we're all at...  Firstly, I cannot imagine ever sending my children back to school - socially and emotionally the boys are doing SO MUCH better than they were at school. Academically though... (let's say for the sake of argument that it can be sectioned off as a separate entity) - well... Youngest has made undoubted progress, largely thanks to his passionate love of Reading Eggs (an online curriculum).  Middle and Eldest?  I have to say, their "abilities" have gone backwards in some areas.  Their confidence and reasoning has made great leaps, so I think on balance it was easily worth it.  However, when Eldest had a go at the 'Reading Eggspress' programme that he's lately been pestering me to try, he was assessed at a lower age than he actually functions at in my opinion - because through lack of usage he had forgotten what verbs, nouns etc were.  Middle has also regressed a bit when it comes to Maths - forgetting how to perform certain tasks that are actually useful (that's the bit where I left off in the previous post I think).  Anyway, combined with yesterday's conclusion that standard maths skills (such as times tables, carrying/ regrouping, even long division) are really useful tools to have at one's disposal, my observation that the boys' learning in these two key areas (Maths & English) has gone back a little was the final factor that convinced me my instincts weren't all wrong... for now at least... until I change my mind again ;)

Anyway, so that's what I was trying to say yesterday!  On to today, and over all it's been lovely :)  Eldest had another temperature spike today & was feeling weedy, so we decided not to go to craft club.  That sad decision aside, the rest of the day was fun (in a gentle way).  Eldest was keen to get back onto his Reading Eggspress trial - he seems to be enjoying it still.  Youngest was also keen (as always) to get onto Reading Eggs, and spent some time happily engrossed on that.  Which left me some time with Middle, going over a Maths worksheet that I made for him, with lots of space on the paper to work out his 'regrouping' - and only eight sums on the whole page so it wasn't too intimidating.  We got the cuisenaire rods out and went through the whole process, showing him how regrouping works in a visual way - and he seemed to grasp it very quickly after that.  He still wasn't keen on doing the page of sums, but fortunately for me there is a fail-safe key to motivating him... reverse psychology works every time!  If you try to jolly him along gently saying "come on, this is easy, you can do it" he just stalls, whines, procrastinates - basically does anything except what you're looking at.  But if you say "uh-oh, I thik this one's too hard, surely you can't be clever enough to work that out", he loves it!  It baffles me, and doesn't come naturally as I like to speak positive words over my children  - but it absolutely works (for him - his brothers are a different matter), and as long as I say it in a jokey enough manner, he thinks it's the most fun we can have!  So anyway, one page of eight sums later, and he's really happy with addition using regrouping (we'll move on to subtraction next time).

After that we went to the bank to pay in the money we counted up yesterday, and had a lovely chat with a lady who was very interested and encouraging when she found out that we home educate.  Eldest then had a rest when we got back, and got engrossed in a cartoon book (I've recently introduced him to our Calvin & Hobbes books... he's hooked!)  Time for some "Deadly 60" and "Horrible Histories Gory Games" on TV, and then on to the highlight of our day...

Middle had been asking to do some art, and I found a really lovely project on one of my favourite art websites, Deep Space Sparkle... we painted some long thin 'birch trunks', left them to dry and painted the background on another page, using watered-down paint, and then sprinkling with salt for an attempt at a snowy effect (my paint was already too dry so it didn't work very well, but Middle's worked well)  Eldest's trees looked really effective I thought - and the beauty of this project was that even Youngest aged 3 (almost 4) was able to produce a lovely piece of art (although I did have to take the black paint away as he was getting carried away doing the tree trunks)...  The cutting out was straight-forward (I helped Youngest as there were a lot of splodges and he couldn't see where to cut!), and we glued the trunks on to the background using PVA (glue-sticks didn't work well with the salt), then putting heavy books on top while the glue dried - we all think they look great :)

 

 

Middle's "Birch Trees"                        Youngest's "Birch Trees"

 

 

Eldest's "Birch Trees"                         Mummy's "Birch Trees"

Lovely art project - lovely day :)

Gentle Planning

A much nicer day today (not so flobberly!)  I was woken up by youngest bringing a little lego man into bed with me, who (the lego man) proceeded to shoot me while Youngest warmed up his freezing feet on my legs - yikes!!!  Apparently the lego man was shooting me to show how much he loved me, which seems a strange way of showing it - but actually it made for about fifteen minutes of really nice play-time together, before Middle and Eldest realised we were having fun and came in to bundle on the bed.  I could only take five minutes of being treated as a trampoline, so then we all had to get up, but I did appreciate once more the opportunity to get up gradually and have fun together, rather than having to stress about being up "in time" for anything.

Downstairs, I resisted the temptation to put the laptop on (lately it had become my first port of call for weather forecasts, news headlines and other 'necessary' information, invariably leading to e-mails, Facebook or other similar time-wasting opportunities), and had a nice breakfast with the boys before heading back up to their rooms for some much needed training in tidying-up.  Said tidying-up was a bit of a tortuous process - I kept catching myself putting things away instead of talking the boys through it.  Eldest's room wasn't too bad (it had been the guest room for our recent visitors), so I left him to it and he did a really good job once he got past the distraction of the lego on the floor that was crying out to be played with.  Middle and Youngest eventually did a very good job too, once I sat on my hands to stop myself doing it for them!  There was an awful lot of me counting "3...2...1..." out loud as a way of helping them to focus on picking something up and deciding where it needed to go - but I realised that actually they do know how to tidy: they knew where everything belonged, they just needed help with concentrating on the job at hand.  I don't think they could have done it by themselves yet in the same way as their big brother - if I'd left them to it I think they would instantly have got distracted & started playing... but they did tidy up their whole room with very little exertion from me (other than the frustration of having to keep counting aloud).  So that was a successful time from my perspective.

Once the bedrooms were tidy we all went out for a walk to the park, and they had a lovely time letting off steam in the sunshine.  I got to play with my gorgeous boys and had a bit of one-on-one time with each of them, and they generally had lots of fun in the fresh air, making up imaginative games and getting exercise - happy times :)

This afternoon I had a little chat with the boys about what they wanted to learn this term - it felt weird putting it like that: in retrospect I wouldn't have used the word 'term' as it feels too schoolish and restrictive, but never mind - they weren't too put off by it.  Middle was fastest to respond: he said he wanted to learn cooking and cursive, and when I suggested Maths Whizz he graciously condescended to agree to doing a "little bit" (!)... and some Reading Eggs too... and to learn reading, which surprised me.  When I pointed out that he already knew how to read (in fact he reads very well indeed), he replied "yes, but not big books like you and (Eldest) read... I want to learn to read big books".  While this might sound like it would be music to my ears, I am slightly baffled as to what the difference is in his mind - and what his perceived barrier is (is he discouraged by comparing himself to bookaholics?).   I couldn't press him on the matter too much as I didn't want him to think it's a bigger deal than it is - but hopefully I'll find out any issues he might be having as we go along.  Anyway, I'm hoping that by presenting him with books that will stretch him a bit, he'll be happy with his progress... watch this space!

Not to be left out, Youngest announced that he wanted to do "Reading Eggs and playing with things" - well that really is music to my ears: I think we can easily facilitate that ;)

However, Eldest wasn't as forthcoming as his brothers with things he wanted to learn next... maybe he needs more time to deschool?  Anyway, after a few prompts from me he did express strong enthusiasm for baking, experiments and anything to do with the World Wars - and agreed with less enthusiasm to do some MathsWhizz ("but not too much"!)

It does seem that Maths still holds negative connotations for both the older boys - maybe because it's the only thing we carried on with that looks vaguely school-related... it has made me question again how structured or autonomous I want us to be.  Our first term of deschooling (once I worked out that that was what we needed) was really successful over all, I think.  Through a bit of strewing and giving them the freedom to follow their own inspiration, they had many great experiences, learned LOTS, and most importantly, relaxed - and I'd be totally happy to carry on in the same way, but for this one small concern: is their current reluctance for Maths a result of my inability to lay it totally down last term?  I have to admit that even though we were deschooling, I did gently encourage the boys regarding MathsWhizz (and Reading Eggs for Middle - Youngest needed no persuasion), albeit with only occasional resistence.

I've often heard it said though that most Home Educators start off a lot more structured than they end up, and it's not like my boys have been scarred-for-life through a little required Maths practice; they're just not as keen on it as other things, which is fine.  I figure we'll just carry on as we are and as we grow in confidence maybe I'll lay that security blanket of Maths-curriculum down - or maybe I'll stop fretting about it and grow in confidence that I do know what's best for my children.  Who knows?  I'm not going to let it stress me out though - I'm just going to keep an eye on it as we go along.  It's not like we're making legally-binding plans, I'm just making note of our ideas because it's nice to have a sense of gentle direction.  One of the things I love about HE is that if our plans turn out not to suit us at all, we can change direction in the blink of an eye.  Gently does it :)

Entertainers not Required

I haven't blogged much about the educational side of things lately - and there's a reason for that.  What with having time off from intense analytical thinking, plus a week away camping, plus planning (and cleaning) for visiting friends, plus feeling a bit poorly, I have pretty much left the boys to their own devices this month.  I haven't assessed so closely what they've been doing, haven't suggested any "work" etc - and there is a definite difference between their (non-directed) days at the moment and their days before the 'holidays', when they weren't exactly directed, but I was definitely more involved with asking them if they'd like to do things, reminding them that they could have time on the educational computer games, and generally strewing.  So I guess even though I didn't expect the "summer holidays" (as defined by schools) to feel any different to our usual life during "term-time" - in practice it has actually been different, with a lot more TV-watching and Wii-playing than we were having - and it looks like we'll be getting ready to gear-up in our learning a little (just a little) at about the same time that the schools are starting back.  Maybe I'm still influenced by school-thinking (It's certainly hard to ignore the 'back-to-school' adverts etc), but it's not necessarily a bad thing - we're all still learning all the time.

One of the things I have learned from these differences is that I do see a need for a little guidance in their learning - albeit very gentle guidance.  I like them to do a bit of Maths & English practice regularly, and I like to be able to observe some learning outside of that as well - but it's all very low-level, and nothing is demanded of them.  I want them to enjoy their learning, and fortunately they do enjoy the computer-based curricula (courtesy of Maths Whizz and Reading Eggs).  Eldest in particular is very proactive in choosing and pursuing the things he is interested in.  I feel very confident in his style of home learning - it's easy for me as a parent/ enabler to follow.  Middle is an entirely different learner, and I'm trying not to push too much or to expect him to follow his brother.  I think in a couple of weeks we'll be reintroducing Maths & English (he has started to show an interest in learning cursive writing again), and other than that, giving him lots of space to choose what he wants to do.  Where Eldest will grab a book and get inspired, Middle is a lot more inclined towards hands-on exploraton, such as art or construction - which is absolutely fine; just a different learning style.  He also likes playing games together, and there are plenty of educational ones available for us to enjoy :)  Youngest is easy - he'll be four next month, and really, as long as he carries on the way he's going with Reading Eggs, he'll be learning to read in no time (at his own pace, which is the important thing).  He goes through phases of enjoying workbooks, so I've got a few of those on standby too.  I do regret not signing him up to Maths Whizz when we registered his brothers simply because it was advertised for 5-13 year olds - I now realise as he is very numerate and loves their entry-level sample games, I could have signed him up too.  Anyway, it's not a problem - there are lots of counting & sorting games etc on sites like CBeebies, which he loves - and of course, lots of maths games that we can play at home - so there will be no lack of stimulation.

I have to say here: I realise that the whole 'providing stimulation' thing is a big con.  I am not responsible for keeping my children entertained, despite the overwhelming advice provided by parenting magazines, websites & experts.  As most Home Educators know, children have awesome imaginations and are more than capable if finding things to interest themselves with, indefinitely. However, as demonstrated by a radio-programme that I was listening to at the beginning of the holidays, there is a general consensus that it is parents who have to keep their children entertained over the summer (I would suggest it is that responsibility that cause so many of them to dread school holidays).  Why is this?  Personally I think it is largely because while they are at school children get used to being told what to do and when to do it.  When they aren't in school they often have a day or so of enjoying the time off, but then having lost their day-to-day usage of self-directed exploration and imagination, very quickly get bored.  Certainly when we came out of school at Easter we did hear "I'm bored" every now and then (but a LOT less frequently nowadays, if ever).  

Also I do think it's an issue that has grown in recent years - there is so much modern pressure in parenting generally: how to do it "properly" (eg who hasn't been to a toddler group where the assembled parents looked on disapprovingly if someone dared to give their little one crisps, or snacks other than raisins and rice cakes?) - and 'properly' seems by general consensus to include providing them with endless clubs, games, day trips etc when not in school.  If I think back to my own primary school years, I don't remember any sense of expecting my parents to roll on the entertainment.  School holidays were spent playing in the garden, playing in our rooms with our toys (no computer games then, which makes me feel like a dinosaur), playing with siblings, friends and neighbours.  Yes, there were a couple of clubs (that did NOT run for the whole holiday), and we had the odd trip to the seaside or the park, but generally we made up our own fun at home... and my parents weren't negligent; there just wasn't the same sense of obligation from what I can remember as there is nowadays to be a full-time entertainer.

And actually I think his is really unhealthy.  Why do so many of our teenagers hang around aimlessly in gangs?  Why do they seem to feel that society has a duty to lay on things for them to do?  How often have you heard "but there's nothing for us to DO..."?  Surely it's because they are leaving a childhood where their surrounding adults were expected to constantly stimulate them - to the point where they have lost their ability to think creatively for themselves. If we think back to the years before teenagers were invented (they are a Western phenomenon, only occuring in this last century), admittedly there was far more child labour than we would accept nowadays - but the hedonism and rebellion that seem to be expected of normal teenage life nowadays, just didn't exist.  Children grew into adults with no pause - they were expected to gradually lay down childish behaviour and taken on adult responsibilities.  (There are some great articles on the modern phenomenon of "teenagers" - you can find some here and here).  There wasn't the expectation on society to hand ready-made entertainment to them on a plate - rather the expectation was that young adults would be learning to contribute to society.  So by training them nowadays as children to expect their parents (or teachers) to stimulate them, no wonder as teenagers they struggle to find their own healthy entertainment.

Incidentally, one of the reasons why I'm glad to have turned to HE when we did is that none of mine have entered their teenage years yet - and I hope that by having more of a steady home influence, we will be better placed to help our boys through the tricky adolescent period - rather than losing them to the packs so often created at seconday school.  Not that they won't have friends - of course they will - but they won't have all the unhealthy peer pressure that seems inevitable in secondary school.

Anyway, all of this brings me full circle to where I started: I've not been doing as much with/ for my boys this month.  Modern parenting "experts" would probably gasp with horror - but actually it's been really good for the boys.  They're not being neglected - they are all clean, fed and loved; we've had lovely times together reading, playing etc; I always know where they are and what they're doing (especially Youngest) - BUT I am not their full-time entertainer (actually I never am - but even less so this month).  They have found their own entertainment.  Yes there has been more Wii-playing than I would usually allow, but they've been working together as a team to defeat the baddies in Indian Jones, and have been drawn closer together through that.  There's been more TV-watching than I would normally be happy with - but most of their chosen programmes have been education-based, such as the current favourites from the POP channel: 'Finding Stuff Out' and 'Lab-Rat Challenge'.  They've also been making their own games up on the trampoline, leading to a few incidents where I had to intervene, but generally being active, healthy, having fun in the fresh air without having to be told how to do it.  They've built some amazing lego models because I gave them space to work out for themselves what they wanted to do, without providing suggestions at the first hint of listlessness.  They are learning that the world doesn't revolve solely around them - sometimes Mummy can't drop everything to be at their beck and call: if I can stop what I'm doing to play, I will - I just love being with them - but the times when I have to pack for holiday or just need a few minutes rest to get rid of a headache aren't a total disaster.  They can have fun by themselves too - and you know what?  That's been a good lesson to learn.

The Gift of Presence.

One of the recent buzz-words around parenting/ educational circles is the importance of "presence".  In today's increasingly busy society where children are spending more and more time in school and clubs or with child-minders, many parents and professionals are noticing the detrimental effect on these children, brought about by the absence of their parents (eg this article, The Importance of Presence).  Far from the 'socialisation' that children are somehow supposed to experience by being around large groups of non-family for much of their lives, experts are realising that what they actually need is just time to be with their family.  Family is where we first learn who we are, how to relate to others , how to learn from mistakes - it's where we get our sense of identity and place in the world.  School does not offer any of those opportunities to anywhere near the same degree.
So although I would never tell anyone that they should or should not put their child in school, the current trend towards leaving children in breakfast clubs, after-school clubs, weekend clubs etc does really bother me (as mentioned in Society Gone Insane).  Parents who want to give their child the best opportunities in life end up running ridiculous and exhausting timetables as they run from ballet class to music lesson to football club to Cub scouts etc - leaving their child(ren) with very little time at home to relax, play imaginatively, and just be with family!  I'm not anti-club per se: my boys used to do Tumble-tots/ Gymbobs and Sunday churchgroups - if they wanted to (they currently don't), they'd be welcome to join Scouts or other interest groups - but then, they do have LOTS of time at home to relax and find themselves - just to be (another Home Ed benefit: space for the children to just chill at home and find their own identity).  My concern for those who are away from home so much is this: when do they get time to relate to their family?  When do they get time to just hang out together, share meals or fun activities - even sharing chores can be an important validation of them as a family member as long as that's not the only thing you do together.
Enter the concept of "presence".  It's not just the opposite of absence in the sense of just being present in the same room as someone... it means to be FULLY present - to engage with your child in whatever activity has their interest, and give them your full attention.  In my mind when I think 'presence', I think "joining in".  I have a friend who's good at this - her boys are really into Doctor Who, so she's into it too - watches it with them, learns all kinds of cool behind-the-scenes details to share etc.  For us (with the exception of the lovely David Tennant), Dr Who holds very little appeal - but Eldest since he was very small has always loved wildlife, particularly undersea creatures.  I really wanted to encourage him but couldn't see how it was something we could pursue practically together (not being in a position to do deep-sea-diving trips as a family hobby), so we widened the field of interest: joined the RSPB (it's a wildlife conservation group, not just birds!), bought some bug books and started getting out there, exploring the natural world immediately around us.  He was already really interested in bugs and other wildlife as well as the undersea ones - and us joining in not only encouraged his passion but also sparked our own interest.  In fact, I discovered that actually I really love wildlife and being outdoors too - and in one or two areas my learning has even overtaken his (although he still knows way more about ocean creatures than anyone else I know).  All of this led to a lovely moment yesterday after I had put the younger two boys to bed, and I came downstairs to see how Eldest wanted to spend his pre-bedtime slot.  It tends to be about 30 - 60 minutes long, and he usually chooses either me reading him a book (even though he is a fluent reader there is still real value in snuggling up and sharing a story together), or watching a nature documentary with me, or watching Clone Wars with Daddy if he's home.  Yesterday however he surprised me by saying "I want to look at birds with you".  He'd put two pairs of binoculars on the sofa, and we snuggled up to see what we could see.  Of course, it was about 7.30pm, so most of the little birds had all gone for the day, but we did see a few woodpigeons - and most importantly, I was able to share some time with my son - one to one, communicating without words that he was important to me and what he cared about, I cared about.  Just being - just sharing the moment.  It may have been one of the least successful birdwatching sessions ever, but it was what HE wanted to do, and the invitation was put out there to join him in that moment... to be PRESENT for him.
Parents of schoolchildren can do this too - I'm not saying 'Presence' belongs exclusively in the HE domain - not at all!  All I am saying is that for us, when the boys were at school our free time was so insanely packed with chores (homework, housework, other work) that we had to work really hard to squeeze in some "Quality Time": ie to be present with them.  Even taking the family on a daytrip out doesn't guarantee moments of 'presence' - and that's coming from someone who LOVES family daytrips.  Whether at home surrounded by chores or out on a visit to the zoo, it's all about enjoying the moment with your child - washing the car together (but laughing, not shouting if they miss a bit) - or copying the monkey's funny faces together - or sitting on the sofa looking for already-gone birds together...
I'm spotting a theme: for 'presence' think 'together' - but not just together in the same room... (especially nowadays when you can have family members in the same room all experiencing different things: one on the TV, one on the laptop (I know what I'm talking about), one reading, one on the D/S or other games console etc)... it's being together in the same moment!  It's one of the most valuable gifts you can give to your child - and the best thing about this particular gift is that you get to share it too!  The special moments I share with my boys are always gifts to me as well!  When we are present in a moment together, we are both blessed by the gift of presence.

The Parable of the Butterfly with a Mind of His Own

So yesterday the butterfly that had emerged two days behind its siblings was given the opportunity to fly free, but it remained in the 'cage'.  I presumed that as it was still walking everywhere, maybe its wings weren't fully ready for flying - so we left it until today.  This afternoon, after the rain finally stopped, we took the butterfly habitat out into the garden, and opened the lid, leaving the butterfly free to fly away.  When we did this two days ago, its siblings got the hang of things immediately and flew straight out (just one of them conveniently landing on the net rim so I could get a photo).  This one, however, just flew to the bottom of the net cage and stayed resolutely put.  I daren't try to pick it up for fear of hurting it, so the boys went to find a stick to put in its habitat that would poke out of the top, so it could crawl up to the top of the stick and then fly, if it so chose.  We even put some juicy fruit outside the net, to tempt it out!  The final straw was when Youngest, clearly not understanding and getting bit fed up, decided to pour some water into the net!  (I'm not sure how he thought it would help - maybe he thought the onset of a flood would prompt it to flee, maybe he was testing a pet theory that seemed like fun - maybe he was just bored and therefore started interfering)  As soon as I saw him doing it I dashed for some kitchen roll to soak up the water (fortunately it was only a fairly small amount of water).  Shortly after that the poor butterfly climbed to the top of the net (under the half of the lid that didn't open, hiding in a corner.
The longer it stayed put, the more puzzled (and even a bit frustrated) I was getting: the boys had steeled themselves for it being be set free, but this was turning into a bit of an anti-climax.  The longer the butterfly took, the later it was getting, and I knew if it got too late (and therefore cold), it wouldn't want to fly anyway.  Frankly, it was getting a bit inconvenient, not having it conform to my expectations.    Then the penny dropped, and I remembered some wise words written by a friend of mine about expectations lately (if she had a blog I would link to it, but it's a work in progress...).  Her name is Jai, and she wrote that,

"Adult expectations of our children can be a damaging thing, because if they do not meet them, we can feel disappointed and pass this onto our children, which can damage them for life ... I am a firm believer in the fact that if children are supported and encouraged along their own path, they will grow into confidant and happy children who will feel able to learn and do anything and ultimately this is what will help them succeed in life ... It is not just the school system that can restrict our children, but our own expectations too. Maybe we should come with the warning, “BEWARE! ADULT VIEWPOINT IN OPERATION”! " (Jai Daniels-Freestone, The Freedom Journey, Facebook)

Maybe it's stretching the point a little, but this tiny insect just made me stop and think.  When we got them as tiny caterpillars, it was the one that was always slowest to move (at one point we wondered if it was actually alive) - and it was the last to pupate (it finally worked out what it was doing two days after its siblings), the last to emerge from its Chrysalis, and the slowest to leave its home.  Basically - it was just different.  If insects can be said to be marching to a different drumbeat, this one clearly was!  Sometimes butterflies just have a mind of their own, and that's OK! (It's almost 5pm at time of typing, and it's still not left - the air temperature is dropping, and I'm going to have to take it back indorrs and try again tomorrow - at least it's supposed to be nicer weather then).
Anyway, I'm hopng you've already picked up on the parallels that I was seeing between butterflies and children, but just in case...: Next time I'm looking at my child and getting frustrated because he's not doing what I expected him to - or because his refusal to comply is getting in the way of my plans, I hope I remember our little individual butterfly, and remember that while it is good to offer encouragement in motivation, and it's good to offer physical support, (not so good to experiment when ignorant of needs), you can't force it!  Sometimes he might just be his own person, and if I let him be, he'll get there in the end, in his own time...
For now, I'm going to fetch the net in, put some new fruit in for overnight... and I'll keep you updated tomorrow ;)