Peaceful Parenting

I need to mention that there appears to be a movement called 'peaceful parenting', but until very recently I was unaware of it.  Until I educate myself on the movement, when I talk about peaceful parenting I am solely referring to my attempts to parent my children more peacefully!

As mentioned in my last post, I have taken on the Orange Rhino challenge, basically to stop yelling at my kids (Orange Rhino blog here).  I have joined a small group of awesome, honest and brave ladies who have also taken on the challenge, and it is largely with them in mind that I'm writing this post... and who knows? There may well be others out there who are encouraged by it too. 

So, sadly and frustratingly I have not held my peace since my last blog.  But the occasions when I did lose it have been teaching me valuable lessons that I want to write down.  It's not that I didn't know any of it before, but the more I have been paying attention to this issue, the more clearly I am seeing these things...

1) Most conflict arises because of a clash of wills: I want the children to do something that they don't want to do.  Often it is something reasonable, like for them to stop running in a shop, or to eat their vegetables.  Sometimes it is just something that makes my life easier, like them turning down the volume on their nintendo, or passing something to me.  However, realising that I am asking them to do something they don't necessarily want to do has made it easier for me to see it from their point of view - to give them a little longer to answer, or just finish what they were doing before they respond - and rather than getting annoyed with them if they complain, acknowledge that what I'm asking is inconvenient and help them to work through their attitude to a peaceful one.  Ultimately this one is about respect.  It is an easy trap to fall into seeing our children as extensions of our selves, who should just do what we say.  But they are not - they are their own people.  Yes, our job is to help them grow and develop in healthy ways, but we can't and shouldn't try to "make them" do anything.

2) I am much more likely to 'lose it' if my attention is elsewhere.  When my attention is given to the boys, focused on what they are doing, how they are feeling etc, everything goes a lot more smoothly.  When I am distracted by my own stuff (usually something absorbing such as phone calls, reading a book, emails or facebook) I get irritated when the boys need my instant attention.  Thinking about this, this is the reverse of the prior situation (me interrupting the boys) so I can see how irritating it is for them too!  Anyway, it helps if I manage my expectations of what I can reasonably achieve during the day.  Generally I do not make or receive phone calls, as we have long since established that Mummy on the phone is an instant cue for screaming, fighting and general chaos.  Also I tend not to turn on my computer until after lunch as I do get fully absorbed, (and the mornings are more usually taken up with home ed work that needs my input).  For example, today I switched my laptop on this morning as I had some things I had to sort out asap from being away.  The boys were allowed to play on their nintendos, so I was confident that they would be equally absorbed, and once I finished with my online banking etc, I thought I'd try to catch up with a spot of blogging.  As I wrote the above sentence about not making phone calls, Middle started complaining and whining.  Immediately I could feel myself getting irritated & then realised the irony of writing about the need to give my children full attention, while not giving them my attention.  So I forced myself to put down my train of thought and focus on Middle.  His needs were quickly and easily sorted out, but that could so easily have escalated into my snapping at him - it kind of proves my point.
Of course, the draw back to this kind of full-on attention is that it can be pretty exhausting. Home Educators and stay-at-home mums are on duty all the time.  As the children get older, the hope is that they will become more independent, but for now while at least some of mine are still small, it's all-emcompassing, and that's not easy.  Don't get me wrong, it's totally worth it - and I'm not complaining.  But just because we do the best thing for our children, it doesn't mean it doesn't cost us.  And when energy levels are low it's much harder to manage our own emotional responses.  This is why I protect my 'grown-up time' so much.  I need that space in the evenings after all the children are in bed: to watch TV prgrammes of my choice, read a book uninterrupted, edit my photos, and generally just switch my brain off from full-on attending to the boys.  It's not that I can't do my own thing while they're up: I just have to be prepared for them to need to interrupt at times - and I'm still learning how to peacefully switch attention from my stuff to theirs!

3) Shouting triggers more shouting.  I know this sounds obvious, but it's made me think.  When the boys were babies, their crying would generate immediate and physiological responses in me: the milk letdown was a pretty obvious one, as mothers who have breastfed will know - but also the stress levels would shoot sky high until I attended to my baby's needs.  This is why men find it easier to let babies 'cry it out': they aren't hard-wired like we are to respond to a crying baby.
Well in the same way, if I hear my children shouting and screaming at each other, I have noticed that my stress levels rocket, and it makes me immediately want to shout at them to be quiet (as if that would work!)  It's just a vicious cycle.  They are only shouting at each other because they have learned that behaviour from me, so the only way I am going to help them stop shouting is to show them how.  I have to respond peacefully & calmly if they are shouting.  When my babies screamed I didn't scream back (tempting though it was to my sleep-deprived & addled brain on occasion) - no, I cuddled and soothed.  Well if I could do it then, I can do it now - it's all about that moment taken to remind yourself that they're not the enemy: they just don't have the words/ ability to ask for their legitimate needs to be met.

4)  Remember the reset button.  If I have messed up and shouted at one of the boys or spoken unkindly, it obviously takes its toll on our relationship.  I am learning not to beat myself up about it, but rather take a deep breath and start again... but not just reset my attitude - reset the relationship.  The other day (the last time I yelled) there was a conflict between Eldest and myself.  He had been in a fight with Youngest; they were both crying and needing comfort, but he was physically pushing me over in his insistence that I cuddled him first.  It was hurting my back so I yelled at him to stop - and then he disappeared off, feeling rejected.  It took me about five minutes to get up, make sure Youngest was OK, and calm down - and then I went to find Eldest.  He was obviously upset still, and very quickly started shouting over what I was trying to say.  All I could think was how hurt he must have been by my not hugging him back, so I managed to stay calm and explain.  After a while cuddling, he was happy again, and went off to play.  I do find though that after such upsets, even when peace has been restored, relationships can stil be a bit fragile and extra work is needed to stay close.  Often the next morning, as children will process the day's emotions while they sleep - so I try really hard to find positive things to share in the mornings, to reset the day, in case they've woken up feeling unsettled.  It just makes for such a lovely day when I remember to find a book to read together or a little snuggle and chat about what we'd like to do... or sometimes they like to look through our photobooks at pictures of us having fun together.  whatever it is, the reset button is a deliberate (on my part) choice of positive time together, to remind them that all is well - and it's amazing how much easier the rest of the day seems to flow afterwards.

I have been learning a lot more besides these points, but these four things in particular I'm finding really helpful to keep in mind while I retrain myself.  It's kind of risky sharing stuff this openly, but I've been so inspired by the Orange Rhino and her brutal honesty, that if I can help encourage even one person, then I figure it's got to be worth it.

And of course, for my boys it's totally worth it: four days in a row of not snapping, and hopefully many more to come.  Happy days!

Orange Rhinos Rule!

It's been "one-of-those-days" with Youngest today.  In fact, he's been a total handful all week so far.  Towards the end of craft club yesterday morning I could see he was starting to go into hyperdrive, I so told the boys it was time to go.  Youngest had a trainer missing for some reason - so we located it and tried to put it back on.  I tried everything: I asked him to put it on; I told him to put it on; I counted backwards from three (which almost always works); I cajoled, and I threatened.  I ended up wrestling with him on the floor, trying to stop him from kicking me while I attempted (and failed) to put it on for him.  At that point I realised how utterly ridiculous it was, trying to force a rebellious child into complying and said, "Fine. You can walk to the car as you are (with one foot bare as his sock had come off as well while we were wrestling).  So that's what he did, complaining all the way.  I knew he wouldn't get hurt, it wasn't far at all - the car was parked about ten metres away from the front door - but still, it was freezing out there.  Cold enough for him to learn a valuable lesson... funnily enough he didn't resist at all once we got in the car.

Although the floor-wrestling was embarrassing, I counted the over-all incident as a personal victory, as I succeeded in not shouting.  You see, the other day I was introduced to the "Orange Rhino Challenge": a blog by an amazing (and brutally honest) woman who took up the challenge to not yell at her children for 365 days.  This is something I have wanted to change about myself for a long time - and had made considerable improvement, especially since starting to Home Ed: when our stress levels dropped, I didn't feel the need to yell anywhere near so often.  This year has been really stressful so far though, and I have definitely slipped into bad habits, so I was really ready to discover the Orange Rhino and take up the challenge... all of which is why I was so pleased with myself that even though I found myself wrestling on the carpet with a four year old (who was winning, it has to be said), I didn't lose my temper!  To be honest though, I have to admit did yell at them later in the car when they were fighting and screaming while I was trying to drive - but today is a fresh start, and so far, so good!

Youngest has certainly done his utmost to provoke, too,  He slammed the freezer door into my leg after I asked him to come away; he ran in front of an oncoming car (thank God the woman driving saw him and stopped in time) - of course I did shout 'stop' but I didn't yell at him for it afterwards; I stayed calm (at least on the outside) while trying to stop him rampaging through the barber's shop, messing with spinning chairs, turning the light-switches on and off and generally being deliberately annoying; he tried climbing a shelf unit, resulting in a broken shelf spilling an unprecedented level of chaos into the study; he snapped his big brother's retractable tape measure... aaarrrggghhh!  what a day!  And no, he doesn't have ADHD or anything like that - he's just a bundle of life and energy!

Actually I was thinking about it today, and remembered that when I was pregnant with him I used to pray for him daily and speak life over him deliberately (I had miscarried two of my babies at twelve weeks, so all through his first trimester I prayed a LOT, until we had that first beautiful scan showing a very much live-and-kicking baby in my womb).  I wonder now if I maybe overdid it a little... I mean, he really is full-to-brimming with life!!!  He's not usually this naughty though - I suspect a growth spurt and the need for extra reassuring hugs with Mummy.

Anyway, many of you lovely lot out there won't really relate to this "trying not to yell" post: there are so many who already manage to parent peacefully. I am posting this for those of you who do relate - and maybe you'll be encouraged to take the Orange Rhino challenge too, but orange rhino or otherwise, I hope you all have a peaceful evening!

Mood Swings, Muffins and Matisse

Eldest is having a growth spurt.  I had noticed some hefty mood swings recently, and his appetite (which is usually tiny) has increased several times over... he eats more than me at the moment!  As with all times when my children exhibit unusual behaviour, I take it as a sign that I need to draw closer to them - and this week I have really enjoyed the chance to spend time together working on his lapbook.  He had quite a few really lovely comments made about his first lapbook (as shared in "We Love Mondays"), and that spurred him on to do an even better book next time, for his "fans"!  Perfect opportunity for Mummy to sit down with him and spend time working on it together.  He still did all the work, but I gave him a few tips, like for every animal pictured, include their name, where they're from and an interesting fact about them.  I don't want to load work onto him so it becomes a chore, but I do feel that he is ready to be stretched a bit, and left to himself he has great ideas, but tends to rush them through a bit - so I've sat with him this week and helped him to focus on getting each page exactly as he wants, not rushing over mistakes.  We've had so much fun going through it together, giggling over mispronounced words and funny facts found while researching, it's been lovely!  I'm so grateful for Home Ed once again - the chance to spend quality time with my boy when he most needs to be reminded that he's loved.

And today it wasn't just Eldest, either - I had some precious one-on-one time with each of my boys, while their siblings were occupied elsewhere (it would be lovely if it were like that every day, but usually we just muddle along, bouncing between rooms, children and activities).  Eldest and I worked on his lapbook as mentioned above, and later I also "helped" Middle with his lapbook.  Whereas Eldest's lapbook is almost entirely done on the computer (with a bit of cutting and sticking) and our working together involves researching, some dictation etc (him to me), Middle's is a lot more practical and hands-on: I've printed off lots of little folded-books, flap-books etc for him from the Homeschool Share templates, some of which already had the information written inside, and we had lovely some snuggles this morning with Middle reading the amazing body facts out to me (he particularly enjoyed boasting that he had more bones and better hearing than me because he's younger).  Then once Youngest had finished his puzzles and time on Reading Eggs (in the same room as Eldest and me, so I could marvel at how much he has progressed while having time off), he and I went to bake some muffins - "just you and me".  He particularly wanted to make some that our lactose-intolerant lodger could share, so we made some carrot muffins.  I thought they were lovely, but Youngest couldn't get past the thought of vegetables inside a cake, and has decided that he doesn't like them.  He loved grating the carrots though - we used the grating attachment on the foodmixer, and he relished pushing the carrots down with the plunger while watching the sharp grater holes do their thing.  He loves gadgets generally, so it was a real winner (apart from not liking the taste of the end result!)

After all the individual work we had some Mummy-led together time where we looked at some art by Matisse, using one of the Smart about Art books that we have - we really like that series.  We talked about how Matisse used just scissors, paper and glue in his later pictures, and how he liked bright colours... and we grabbed our own scissors, glue and brightly coloured paper to have a go for ourselves.  It is harder than it looks, not to use pencils for details or to draw outlines to cut along, but again, we were all pleased with our finished art...
 

"Insect Hill", by Eldest

 



"Underwater Creatures" by Middle

he took extra care over his Sea Hare (top left corner), complete with anatomically correct 'poo-cannon'!

"Zoo" by Youngest

"Jungle Flower" by Mummy

Finally we had a game of Animal Families (like 'Happy Families', but based on animals grouped by classification).  Another lovely day - but for those of you who may be tempted to compare yourselves unfavourably, you'll be relieved to hear that yesterday was nowhere near like this.  Our HE group that we were looking forward to was cancelled at the last minute, and we all felt a bit "flobberly" (it's a family word!) without that focus to the day.  So we basically did very little, which somehow resulted in a lot of mess.  I can't actually remember any of what we did - it was that 'good'!  But I'm including it here for the sake of balance: a little inspiration (hopefully) for those who could use it, and commiserations with anyone else experiencing a non-productive 'flobberly day'.  Whichever applies to you, I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

Under the Sea...

My brain is still whirring on how to home educate three different boys with different skills, passions and styles of learning - so hopefully there will be more on that when I've found something approaching a solution! Meanwhile, knowing how much it helps me to write down what we have done in a day, here goes today's 'doings'...

First of all we watched Curious Cat on how electricity gets to our homes, and how sewage is treated.  Then Eldest got his brothers to sit down & watch a documentary on the Barrier Reef - going into more detail than CBBC's 'Barney's Barrier Reef' (which we also watched later). I loved ths way he asked them questions to get them involved... if he's learned that from copying my example, I 'll be happy.  At one point the boys argued about who got which blanket to snuggle under, and we talked about them finding peaceful solutions (not expecting me to intervene all the time)...  this is becoming a theme at the moment!

Following the programme, Eldest and Middle decided to do some Barrier Reef art of their own making.  Free reign of the craft box was permitted, with the usual rule that they tidy up after themselves!  Youngest was enthused by the craft box contents, and had a merry old time exploring and creating.  No set plan - he was just enjoying himself.

Eldest's "Manta Ray from Above"

(he put a lot of thought into how to get the right effect of the waves over the  top of the ray).

 

Eldest's "Black-tipped Reef Shark"

Middle's "Undersea World" 

(using sellotape and glitter to get his under-water effect)

... and another little pictoral note for Mummy from Middle, showing both of us and a love heart

Youngest's arty creation

 

Then they all wrote some sea-themed poems (Youngest dictated - as did Middle, who wasn't in the mood for writing today - he still shies away from written 'work', although he loves leaving me little "I love you" messages).  Poems included at the end...

Middle found some leftover party balloons and played with static electricity making his hair stick up, sticking it to the wall, and then using it to move water like this...  it was quite tricky getting the right strength flow of water, but we did see it work in the end...

We've also been watching birds in our garden & hoping they all come back on Saturday morning when we do the RSPB's Big Garden Birdwatch.  This morning we had ten long-tailed tits and a female greater spotted woodpecker, among many others.  I also took some photos of the prints in the snow to see if we could work out what they belonged to... it's not as easy as you'd think!  We did see some nice wing prints though...

 

 mystery prints (the big trainer prints are mine, for scale - I'm guessing the first ones may be squirrels...)

 we think these are blackbird footprints...

 can you see the wing prints on the right?

Oh, and I've discovered Pinterest.  I joined a few weeks ago, and am really getting the hang of it now.  I love having a one-stop place I can go to to stash all the ideas I find online, neatly grouped, and easy to find again... perfect for Home Ed!  My back hasn't been feeling good this week (especially today), so I've been spending a lot of time sitting still - and Pinterest is making me feel better about not being so active as usual, as I can track down ideas for future HE projects and store them somewhere where I know I can find them all again - it's great :)  In fact, the static electricity/ water experiment above was one that I had pinned earlier this week, so it's working already - hooray!

That's it for now - I'll leave you with the boys' poems while I go & top up the hot water bottle for my back ;)

Sharks - by Eldest
The goblin shark
lives in the dark
The mako shark is fast,
It moves with a blast
The great white
Likes a big fight
The whale shark
is bigger than a park
The sleeping shark is blind
Like most sharks it has a tail on its behind

Sea Poem - by Middle
I like it underwater because there's not any thunder.
It is pretty and peaceful.
There are beautiful fish all different colours and shapes, like the silvery sunfish and the spotty clown triggerfish
The jellyfish come in all sizes, some small and some big.
They are see-through and pinkish.
I like the beautiful coral that makes lots of beautiful fish come towards it. 
It makes me feel calm and joyful

Under The Sea - by Youngest
I would love to be under the sea
but not the sea with sharks in it.
I want to go in the sea
but not with piranhas in it
I want to be underwater in the sea
Just with lovely fish that don't eat us - that's all.

Not-so-boring Routine

We're fully into our "normal" routine now (if there is such a thing as normal).  That said, we didn't make it to to craft club yesterday:  I just couldn't get the boys all ready in time. Well... I probably could have, if I'd reverted to the Sergeant Major alter-ego of our school days, hustling them and barking orders to get them all up, dressed, fed & ready in time.  But the truth is, I really don't like the shouty version of me - I'm trying to lay her to rest!  And anyhow the boys are usually up and ready in time, so I guess there must have been a reason for their lethargy yesterday morning - most likely how cold it was outside (I found it hard to leave my duvet too!)  Once we were all up, there was the usual MathsWhizz for the older two while I played a Maths game with Youngest.  This time we played Bus Stop, helping him to master counting skills, spotting the patterns of dots on a dice, counting on spaces as he moved around the board, recognising the plus and minus symbols etc - and he got Mummy to himself, which always goes down well!

After that it was time to pop to the local shops for a few bits, so we got wellied-up, hats & ski-gloves on etc, and off we went.  There's something about snow that just transforms a normal 'boring' walk; they loved it (again).  Once home again, it was Youngest's turn to do some baking: gorgeous choc chip cookies...

 

 ...and then we got the paints out to do some snowy paintings inspired by our wintry walk.  We started with these Easy winter landscape instructions, that I had bookmarked a few days ago, and added a few extra bits of our own, using strips of cardboard to make the trunks & branches, and lastly adding falling snow by dipping paintbrushes in watered-down paint, and tapping the paintbrushes - another tip found on the Deep Space Sparkle website.

Mummy's snowy landscape

Eldest's snowy landscape (using a brush to paint the trees, not cardboard strips)

 

Middle's snowy landscape

 Youngest's snowy landscape

(he wasn't inspired by the snowmen, so he painted a red snail with a scarf instead.)

After that Eldest was still in full arty mode, so took himself off to do some sketching...

"Winter at Night"

"Robert the Owl"

Today we had a bit of reading with Youngest while Eldest and Middle were on Reading Eggs. Eldest was pleased to find a book to read on there today about three hedgehogs.  He's also very happy that he's collected 58 out of  214 printable animal collecting cards on the program.  Middle's favourite at the moment is the 'Quote Quest' part... well, anything that looks like a game is a winner for him!  After that we had another wintry walk, this time round our local park, to feed the ducks and geese (with peas out of the freezer - bread is really not good food for them when it's this cold).

 

      

 

Then we came home for the obligatory mugs of hot chocolate, while watching recorded episodes of "Got to Dance" (Sky) - because the boys love it, and it shows a great cross-section of different dance styles - followed by "Winterwatch" (currently showing on BBC2 each evening this week) which I had recorded last night.  There was a sad bit where a baby seal died (or was about to), but the boys coped OK - they're getting more used to the harsher side of wildlife documentaries, I think.  They loved the shot where the humpback whale breached behind the guys on the boat, who were all looking the wrong way.

At home we have our own mini-version of Winterwatch too... we were hoping for some visitors to find our new nesting box, and this morning we had our first one (as far as we know).  He had a good look round, and we even got some video footage, although unfortunately it picked up my calling one of the boys (by name) to have a look, so I can't post it here.  I can show you a couple of stills though...  it's very exciting!  It is too soon for them to be making a nest and getting broody, but still, it's nice to know that they've found it!

   

So we may be back into our "routine", but it's anything but boring.  We're having lots of fun - long may it continue!

Gentle Pace = Time to Focus

I'm really enjoying getting back into the gentle swing of things.  Christmas and the New Year was even more chaotic than usual, with an increase in parties, plus a few family members needing surgery/ medical tests etc - oh, and we went to the local pantomime, which the boys loved, but then we lost Youngest after (it was late, and his tiredness combined with pantomime-induced excitement sent him even loopier than his normal energetic state.  He didn't want the experience to end, and the only way he found to protest at our leaving was to do a runner.  At least ten minutes of searching later, and he was eventually found outside the theatre!  You know, I really value his zest for life and unquenchable determination - they are such great qualities to have - but sometimes he makes me look with admiration (and sympathy) not at the great explorers and adventurers of history, but rather their mothers, who must have wondered at times if their unstoppable youngsters would ever make it to adulthood!

Anyway, I digress.  He was returned to us (still in full-on stroppy mode), we got the boys home and into bed as quickly as possible - and then sat and stared at inane TV while our adrenaline levels returned to normal!  Since then, things have calmed considerably.  The family members undergoing surgery and tests are all doing well, and I am really grateful for the slightly manic cleaning that I did right at the start of the year.  My house is clean and tidy (apart from the obligatory room-whose-door-must-remain-shut-at-all-times-to-hide-the-accumulated-junk) - and as I blogged in early September, it makes a HUGE difference to me.  We are back in our lovely routine of getting up; making sure bedrooms are tidy before going downstairs; having breakfast (without the TV going on first), and then having the day stretching ahead of us, full of possibilities, with only a few daily chores that we all share.  I can't really explain how peaceful it makes things for me, but I just knew from the beginning of last term that if this term was to get off to a good start, we would need a tidy house.  As soon as it gets beyond a certain level of mess, I seem doomed to spend my time endlessly trying to catch up on tidying and never actually getting to focus on the boys.

Anyway, so that is I've been doing: focusing on the boys.  Other than a mercifully successful (and therefore short) shopping trip this morning (Middle and Youngest have both suddenly and strangely ran out of socks), we have been at home, enjoying hanging out together.  Often this involves learning academically: such as my having one-on-one time with both Middle and Youngest at different parts of today, showing Youngest how to form letters, and helping Middle to make a start with cursive letters, and Eldest showing me part of a grasshopper leg and bicarbonate of soda (his favourite experimental material) through his new microscope (fab Christmas present).  There was also time spent learning valuable life skills: such as when wanting to negotiate for the game any one of them wants to play, they are (slowly) learning that gentle persuasion and kind words are more effective than shouting and dictating... also that working together makes a team more likely to conquer a certain difficult level on a computer game than getting frustrated and shouting if one's brother doesn't do what he "should"! (imagine that!).

Oh, and I received a parcel in the post that I'm very excited about... it's a nesting box with a built-in webcam!  We can put it up in our garden, hope for some bluetits (or similar) to move in - and then ideally via my laptop screen, watch them raise a family...!  We loved the nest cams that we followed last year - but how much more exciting to have our 'own' birds to follow!  I can't wait to get it up outside...

Rollercoaster Days

It's been a funny week so far.  Some of it really pants, and some of it heart-warmingly lovely.

The horrible bits have largely revolved around me: my stress; me losing my temper; my guilt at shouting at the boys... with other challenges thrown in such as one boy drawing on the beige stair carpet with lead pencil, another boy having a complete hissy fit over something apparently tiny, and general sibling squabbles and other petty problems as well. 

BUT, as another HE Mum whose blog I love posted earlier this week, in One Of Those Days, it's how you deal with horrible days/ weeks that makes the difference.  So if I focus on the positives and brag slightly on my boys, it's not because I want you to feel inadequate (I REALLY don't!): it's because to focus on the negatives would depress me and make things worse.  I don't want to live in denial, or try to maintain an illusion of perfection - I just want to acknowledge the rotten stuff, try to learn from it - and then focus on the good stuff and acknowledge that actually, despite the stuff that I get wrong, every day that we home educate is a good day.

By the way, a lovely quote for those of you who find HE blogs discouraging at times...

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel" - Steve Furtick

So on our manic Monday, after I had a sudden and stressful need to clean the house top-to-bottom (obviously apart from the room that all the mess was shoved into!), and after the carpet graffiti 'artist' had had a long enough time-out for me to calm down, followed by him trying to clean the carpet himself (lesson in consequences of destructive behaviour - I did help him after he'd realised the seriousness of what he'd done), and after the mega tantrum had passed, and peace was restored... after all that stress, we had quite a nice afternoon: the house was now beautifully tidy, and I felt the need for a nice cosy time, for all of our sakes... so we snuggled up together on the sofa and watched a Christmas Movie with popcorn and no lights on except the twinkling tree.  Oh it was lovely: such a peace-restoring time... and actually, it was the first time this year that I have taken time to breathe deeply and enjoy the beginning of the festive season, gathering my precious ones around me and indulging in the warmth of our family closeness as we make plans and celebrate Christmas.

Tuesday started well: we were all up early, dressed and looking forward to the last Craft Club of the season - we even made some gingerbread cookies to share there.  Then we got in the car - and it wouldn't start.  Flat battery.  We were all really upset, but nothing could be done.  A taxi would have been too expensive; going by bus was too involved - by the time we got there it would have been time to come home.  So after dealing with tears and pouting, I decided we would go out for a walk to blow the cobwebs away (it was a lovely mild day) - so we walked through the local lanes to the smallholding where we buy our free-range eggs (proper free-range, not the sort that claim to be free-range in supermarkets but turn out to be a con).  Eggs purchased, we strolled home again, talked to the horses in the fields, planning Middle's birthday party next month, and I just enjoyed having Youngest's little hand in mine, while listening to Eldest and Middle have a really lovely brotherly conversation.  Peace was restored.

Home again, and having stressed myself (and the boys) silly the day before, trying to get the house immaculate, I did what any normally insane person would do: I got the glitter out (and some stencils, metallic markers etc).  Oh my goodness, we had a good time!  I deliberately made no plans, set no expectations - didn't even tell them not to waste the glitter (after all, I had bought two big tubs of it, and we're not likely to use it again this year)... we just got creative and had fun.  There was so much glitter over the bench that Youngest stood up in it and made like a camel doing a happy little sand dance.  It didn't even take that long to clean up again afterwards!  It was such a happy time, even finding the glitter today that has spread to every corner of the house makes me smile.

 

 Middle's "Christmas" and "Tree"

 

   

 Eldest's "Christmas Fish" and "Macaroni Penguins"

 

 Youngest's "Do Not Disturb" (apparently) and "Candle"

Today has happily been a bit less tempestuous.  There has been more time to notice the 'little' things from the week so far.  For example today's word play, first making a Christmas crossword on the fridge out of magnetic letters, and then a game that Eldest and Middle love, where every word has to start with the same letter (inlcuding names) - so if everything starts with P, they would call me Pummy, eating a Panana etc. Youngest (age 4) has always hated this game, especially if his brothers changed his name, but today when they played it he suddenly 'got it', and was delighted to change everyone's names, working them out for himself - he especially loved it when he got to call me 'Dummy', 'Bummy' 'Gummy' etc. He just suddenly clicked with letter sounds as components of whole words. That's proper literacy right there - but they were all just having fun playing a game (as it should be)! 

Eldest was "bored" at one point, but instead of moaning at me to find entertainment for him (he seems to have learned that that usually results in him being asked to tidy his room - spot Mummy's cunning ploy), he disappeared off to his room and invented a game that is a kind of cross between chess and Gogos (cheap weird plastic collectible figures).  He calls it 'Gogo chess', and although the name may not be very inventive, the game certainly is.  It has clear rules and is kind of and is absorbing to play... clever chappie!

And Middle has totally grown in confidence with his drawing.  He rarely wants to colour his creations in - I'm not sure if that's our of preference or because he runs out of steam, but regardless, his pictures are increasingly noticeably in detail, and more importantly, he loves it - he's found his 'happy place' - ie sat at a table (or on the floor, or leaning on a book), with a pen/ pencil in hand, drawing a picture.

  

  

 

There's another blog that I follow, and the author posted this week about criticism that she had received making her re-evaluate her home education/ lifestyle, in Still Learning.  Readers here will know how little time I have for the 'shoulds', aka, other people's narrow-minded judgements (or our own subconscious ones) on our parenting/ education/ life choices - but this lovely blogger goes further and states the things that she does value about their life.  I encourage you to have a read, it's really uplifting.  Sometimes the things that people think are important, turn out to be the least important.  And I'm not just saying that because I'm a fan of hers who aspires to a similar lifestyle!

Over all then, it's been such an up-and-down few days - a proper rollercoaster (no, I am NOT the rollercoaster-enjoying type), and it got me thinking.  We can have days that I rate as rubbish because it's too easy to fall back into schoolteacher mode, and I wobble, and make the mistake of comparing the 'labours' (or lack of) of our HE day with the labours of a typical school day - but nowadays I am getting quicker at ignoring that out-dated 'teacher-voice' because when I think of the lesson plans that I have written in the past, all of them always focused around one main point that I wanted the children to remember or achieve, if nothing else.  And if they could get that one point in a few minutes, what was the point in the rest of the lesson? (was it to fill time while their class-mates also got it? was it to keep reiterating it in different ways to make sure it really goes in, in case they weren't paying full attention?)  I look back at my own time at school and think about what I actually learned.  I learned that I'm rubbish at History, Science, Geography, Art, average at Maths, and ok with English and languages  (notice it is all performance-based, nothing to do with what did I love or what inspired me and brought me to life).  The facts that I learned I have largely forgotten - and if you ask Joe Public what he was taught at school, chances are you'll get the same response: "nothing much".  We remember the teachers, and how they made us feel.  we remember the bad ones who made us feel lower than low, and we remember the good ones, who encouraged us to reach for the stars, to believe in ourselves.  But do we remember, do my students remember those 'key points' that were the focus of each lesson plan?  Not often (and I really tried to be an inspiring teacher).  All of which brings me full-circle to now, home educating my own children.  To be frank, their appetite for learning far exceeds my ability to "teach" - and that being the case, I just need to make sure they have the resources they need to go as far as they like, unhindered by the 'single-point' focus of a lesson-plan.  If my boys are inspired and take just a few minutes to learn one piece of information or grasp a new concept or get absorbed in a new experience, why should I expect them to then spend the rest of their day in a forced learning environment?  Quite simply, there is no need.  If they then want to go on learning as much as they can about one subject, why would I try to restrict them to my idea of what they ought to achieve in one session?  Again, there is no need.  The Home Ed lark really makes a lot of sense.

Wow, what was a lengthy post!  I'll stop now... thank you for sticking with me through my rambles! 

Parenting Check-Up

Today I finally sent off my (scathing) response to the Welsh Assembly consultation on making the registration of Home Educators compulsory.  I'm a great believer in the Edmund Burke quote,
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing"
 - so even though I'm a bit embarrassed to have left it until the last minute (it closes tomorrow), I'm glad I've done it at last.  No, I don't live in Wales, but apart from the fact that if it is made law there, our own goverment are more likely to try again here sooner rather than later, it's just wrong.  Nobody should have to fight a state system for the fundamental right to bring their children up in the way they see is best. 
I don't get how people are so willing to hand over their rights and responsibilities.  There was an article a while back (apologies for the lack of link - I can't find it now, but I don't think I dreamt it!) where Mr Gove came up with another ridiculous plan to have every school child undergo an annual health check-up... all under the guise of "safeguarding".  I am beginning to strongly dislike that word - it is used to prey on all of our genuine concern for the children out there who are being abused and seem to be slipping through the system, but instead of addressing the real problem, which is a welfare service issue - it has been increasingly foisted onto the education system, as that is the only place where most of the nation's children can be observed.  And that is often why home educators are viewed with such suspicion - why would we take our children out of school if we didn't have something to hide?  Uh, well actually it's because the education system is failing almost as badly as the welfare system, and we are best equipped to provide our children with the individualised care and education that they need - but anyway, back to Michael Gove's silly proposal.  The thing is, I've worked in enough schools to know that the staff already know which children give cause for concern.  They don't need a health check-up to have suspicions alerted.  This is just one more tool in the arsenal at the social services' disposal, giving them the right to remove a child from their family if they see fit.  And the real problem I have is that this can often be down to the judgement (or misjudgement) of one person.  Because it's a safeguarding issue, though, we all bleat and go along with it, agreeing that it must be best to be monitored.  I have this nightmare that the way things are going, we're going to end up with this ideal picture of parenthood, and if we differ too widely from that, we will be judged even more harshly than we already are.  All you have to do is go onto a parenting website to see that although there are different opinions on childcare, there is a generally accepted consensus about the "best" way to parent.  Consider this questionnaire which is my take on public-opinion type judgementalism that I have found online and elsewhere, and then tell me if you have no idea what I'm talking about...

Section A - during pregnancy
1/  Did you smoke? (-1)
2/ Did you drink? (-1)
3/  Did you eat any of the foods that happen to be prohibited in pregnancy at that particular time? (-1 for each type of prohibited food)
4/  Did you do drugs? (-10)
5/  Did you talk to your unborn child? (+1)
6/ Did you attend every ante-natal clinic? (+1 for every clinic attended)
7/ Did you play Mozart to your belly? (+3 smug points)
8/  Did you find out the sex of your baby before birth? (-1)
9/  Did you join the NCT? (+1)

Section B - birth
1/ Did you give birth lying down? (-1)
2/ Did you have gas and air? (-1)
3/ Did you have stronger pain-killing drugs? (-3)
4/ Did you have a caesarian? (-3: sorry, but you know that's the way people are)
5/ Did you have an elective caesarian? (-10, however valid the reason)
6/ Did you make any noise? (-1 to -5, depending on volume - and that's me scuppered!)
7/  Was your partner present? (+1, even if he complained at the noise/ waiting/ lack of food/ pain caused by you squeezing his hand)

Section C - early years
1/  Did you breastfeed? (+10)
2/  Did you co-sleep? (-5)
3/  Did you put baby on their front to sleep? (-20)
4/  Did you go back to work? (-5)
5/  Did you wean them onto solids at 6months or later (+1)
6/  Did you feed them their allotted five-a-day? (+1, but -20 if you have no idea what I'm talking about)
7/  Did you ever give them crisps, biscuits or sweets? (-1)

Section D - school years
1/  Did you get your child into the best (as in 'Outstanding') local school? (+1, even though it really wasn't your decision)
2/  Did you help your child with their homework? (0 points - it's the least you could do)
3/  Did you do your child's homework for them to save them stress and get their scores up, cos you know they can do it when not overworked/ under pressure) (+1, I'm not kidding)
4/  Did you join the PTA/ Board of Governors? (+5 smug points)
8/  Did you fork out money you couldn't afford for every school trip and after-school club? (0 - again, the least you could do)
9/  Was your child the lead role in the Christmas pantomime? (+1, but only if they were also immaculately presented AND smiling in their school photographs)
10/ Did you home educate? (-50)

DISCLAIMER: The above is a complete load of tosh.  The above is not permitted to be replicated anywhere without said disclaimer. 
The fact is, there are many different ways to parent, and many different reasons for parenting in different ways - because there are many different types of children - and THAT IS A GOOD THING!  But the way our governement - our country - are going, I don't think it's beyond the realm of possibilities that we could end up being assessed on this scale.  And what if, like me, you ended up in minus figures?  Should we expect a visit from Social Services?

I wasn't going to write any of this today - I was just going to mention the Welsh consultation briefly before getting on to the interesting stuff - but that's going to have to wait until next time now.  I blame you lot - you got me going!  Nah, not really - but I am tempted to blame the government and the people who go along with their ideas without stopping to consider that as parents we are in a process of handing our rights over to people who don't know our children.

PS, I'm sorry to do this to you, but for those of you who think I'm over-reacting and exaggerating to score some kind of cheap point, check out this link - it's Scotland's National Risk Framework to Support the Assessment of Children and Young People.  If you're in Scotland, every professional you come across is already gathering 'tick-box' information about your children.  Come to think of it, how do I know they aren't doing the same here?  See how many boxes you tick, and then tell me you're OK with it.

Pause to Reflect

So we're half-way through manic week!

I have cake and brownies cooling in the kitchen ready for my HE friends who are coming over tomorrow (NOT impressed with the kitchen scales that refused to work just as I started my third bake though - grrrrr)  Meanwhile the boys (and their two friends who are visiting) are currently sat having movie-time (Yogi Bear + popcorn).  I guess I could be tidying up (again!) but thought I'd pop in & update while I can...

On Monday my good friend and her girls popped in to say 'hi'.  We haven't seen them since we visited them in Scotland at Easter (just as we left school)  One of the first things she said was how much more calm this house and its inhabitants seems now.  It's true, too.  We've been doing this for a while now, and it's so easy to get caught up in the very minor stresses of HE and forget the much bigger stresses that we had in our pre-HE days.  The house was much messier, I was a lot more stressed, the boys were tense - life was generally much more chaotic.  We are comparatively so chilled now!  I was chatting to a friend online earlier this afternoon, sharing techniques that I have used to help my boys when they've had a strop & lost control of themselves.  It's made me so grateful that by Home Educating I've had the time to spend with my boys getting to know them better; I've had time to invest in them and help them through difficult behaviour.  Before, we didn't have the time as everything was so full (not in a good way) so we just lurched from one emotional crisis to another (including my own).  Now, although I am still really far removed from being a perfect parent, I have a few successful moments under my belt, and I'm so grateful for that!  Just a happy 'taking stock' HE moment :)

Yesterday we had our fabulous day at Legoland.  The journey there was a bit stressful as they were all really excited (it's over an hour's drive from here).  At one point they were really bickering and kept asking me to tell the other off (not filling me with hope for an enjoyable day), so I just interrupted (not very patiently) and said that no-one was allowed to say anything else until we had taken turns for each of us to say one thing that they liked about each other person in the car.  It turned into a really lovely time.  Even Youngest came up with some really sweet contributions, and Middle got so enthused by the idea that he asked to have another turn at the end :)  Peace was restored - at least until we got to Legoland where I was actually pretty surprised how busy it was, even off-peak - but of course we had a lovely time, and with only two or three queues all day!  It was Youngest's belated birthday celebration, so he got to choose most of the rides that we went on - that was one happy boy by the end of the day (actually three happy boys), hooray :)

Today the boys had their friends over to play for the day - there was lots of dressing up, trampolining and jigsaw puzzles (well, emptying the puzzles all over the floor at least, so then they all got practice picking up the pieces and sorting them into the appropriate boxes), and quite a bit of creative play.  Eg they all had a big bunch of grapes at the end of their lunch, and Middle found some wooden skewers and stuck a grape on each end to make a "dumbbell".  The visiting girls then decided to thread grapes along the length of the entire skewer and make 'caterpillars'.  Eldest then decided to make a bow and arrows out of the skewers, and then all sorts of creative chaos ensued involving stickers, string, shredded paper and lots of skewers.  The boys are pretty good at creating new things out of whatever they find lying around anyway, and they really enjoyed having others around to bounce ideas off, to inspire them towards new creative ideas :)

So that's the week so far - really busy, but in a really good way.  More fun planned for tomorrow's coffee morning, although with less cakes than I had planned, thanks to the scales going on strike - and then I get my hair done on Friday ready for the photos on Saturday.  It's AGES since I had my hair done, so a little pampering is going to go down really well :)

Deschooling Top-up

So, following on from my ponderings over structure/ suggestions/ screen-restrictions etc...

The only conclusion I am prepared to make so far is that we need a little time to top-up on our deschooling.  I am fully prepared to admit that it is I who needs more deschooling, rather than the boys - but hey, they're not going to complain if I back-off on my expectations a bit.  I still don't think we are very structured on a daily basis, but I caught myself thinking something that shocked me a bit & made me realise how much deschooling I still need (or maybe not deschooling, maybe just a slap round the head with a wet kipper...).  Prepare yourselves, perfect parents, for a shocking admission.  I was mulling over the whole quandrary of whether or not to restrict TV; whether or not to set expectations of even a small amount of time on curricular work; whether to suggest activities or let them find their own learning fun... and while it was all spinning round inside my head, I heard the thought flit across my brain: "but how do I make them learn anything?"  Aaarrrggghhh!  That is totally NOT what I want for me or my boys.  I don't want to MAKE them learn - in fact, I don't think it's even possible to MAKE someone learn something.  I suppose certain facts can be artificially imposed onto one's conscious thought by mind-numbing repetition and brain-washing - but that is not what I mean by learning.  Learning is experiential - it is expanding how we think, by way of new surroundings/ materials/ scenarios, by being exposed to different people, different ways of thinking...  and I do believe all of that -  so where did this insecure little mini-dictator spring from inside me?

Some may call this a wobble - and I do understand that the 'wobbles' are a normal part of Home Educating, that come in all sorts of guises.  Well - mostly normal: I have one friend who never seems to wobble - I think it has something to do with the fact that she was home educated herself as a child - and she just seems to radiate this confidence that her boys will be fine - because she knows she is fine, after all she survived Home Ed without being socially unskilled or incapable of finding a career :)  I would love that confidence, rather than the feeling that to Home Educate is to reinvent the wheel!  I am absolutely confident that Home Education is completely right for our family - it's just un-nerving to have little mini-dictators appearing in one's inner thought life! So, my way of dealing with my wobbly dictator (hmm, interesting image) is to ignore it.  Not deny that it is there, but pay it no attention, as to focus on it would be the quickest way to go up my own exhaust-pipe.

So my plan is as stated, to deschool myself a little more - back off on the small amount of restrictions, suggestions & expectations that we have - and just spend a week or so just enjoying my boys and reminding myself why we chose to Home Educate them.  Instead of focusing on what they are/ are not doing academically, I will celebrate their achievements and focus on true learning - giving them space to push past any boredom, discover their own enthusiasm and just value my time with them - what better gift can I give them than to enjoy being with them and enjoy what they are enjoying?  What can they possibly learn that is more important than to know that they are valuable just as they are, and that the things that they care about really do matter...

I quite like this wobble - i'm looking forward to the week ahead now :)

PS Having just read this blog post - Remember You're a Parent (Ross Mountney), the whole blog seemed to confirm what I have been thinking - thanks Ross! - and her last sentence really resonated with me: "it’s relationships that build happy and educative lives!"  How blessed I am, that I get to invest in relationships with my children.  That, above any educational philosophy, is the thing that will set my children up for a successful life :)

Versions of Creativity

Today's highlight was the return of Craft club - from the moment we got up, Youngest kept repeating every few minutes "Is it time for craft club yet?"  He even had his shoes on before he'd started breakfast, he was so keen!  It was lovely to see everyone again, and the boys had a great time creating models based on pinch pots, out of clay.  Well, Eldest and Middle made models -Youngest just had fun bashing, poking and squishing - and then ran about generally having fun wile the older ones modelled.  I don't have photos yet as we'll have to wait until they've been through the kiln, painted & so on - but while we wait we can always paint our models that we made last week (with air-drying clay) which have finally dried - so hopefully there will be photos of those coming soon!

We also had a couple of musical moments today - listening to Classic FM on the way to craft club, there was a piece playing by Brahms that had the boys puzzled - they spotted the instruments that were playing without problem, but when it came to how it felt, they weren't sure whether it was happy, sad or something else (it sounded a bit confused or 'all-over-the-place' to me too!) Then they decided the music was painting a picture of an undersea adventure: the happy bits were when the divers were looking at fish and dolphins, and the scary bits were when a shark popped out etc. They kept adding to their narrative as the music progressed - we all liked the piece better after their creative interpretation ;) The second musical moment was when I walked into the lounge to find Middle watching a programme with a live band playing, and I grabbed his hands & we had a little dance round the room, culminating in me teaching him how to twist - it only took five minutes, but it was a lovely moment :)

This afternoon Youngest passed another 'end of stage' test on Reading Eggs - but cheerfully announced to me that Middle had helped him "a little bit" - and when I asked Middle about it, he confessed that he had done the entire test for Youngest!  Talk about frustrating!  He was probably either too tired to be doing it or had been on it too long & got a bit bored.  I wish I'd known!  Anyway, Middle & I had a chat about how it hasn't actually helped Youngest in the long run - hopefully he won't do it again.  Frustrated?  Yes, but I can also choose to be proud of Youngest's "creative" problem-solving, and of Middle's confident willingness to help...

This is why I blog really, because I don't want to forget the beauty in the little things. I almost thought today's stuff was "too ordinary" to write about, but there can be joy in the mundane (especially when I look back after time has passed), and blogging about the 'every-day' highs and lows is my own 'creative' way of trying to make sure I don't miss things in all the busy-ness.  It all goes by so fast, I feel like I want to find a 'slow-motion' button.  Parents everywhere will tell you that children grow so much faster than you can keep up with, and blogging for me is like a textual version of all the photos I take (and I do take lots!): a way of celebrating the 'now'.  The blog and my photos are my 'slow-motion' buttons, allowing me to rejoice in both the fun and the harder bits, and storing up memories to treasure... and of course, if all of that entertains/ encourages others on a similar journey, well that would really be the icing on the cake! 

Fresh Starts

It was a bit of a flobberly day today (I think I just made that word up, but never mind - I like it).  I'm feeling dissatisfied now, probably because I got sucked into spending too much time on the computer today (editing the zillions of photos that I've taken over this past month) and not enough time with my boys.  I was keeping an eye on them, but it wasn't exactly quality time!  Time to renew my resolve not to turn the laptop on until after lunchtime - at least then we'll have the mornings to get some jobs done and have some time together with less distractions...

I was chatting to a friend today about the benefits of a change of pace.  The boys and I had a lovely first term of Home Ed, but as regular readers will know, by the end of it I was experiencing a sort of malaise/ exhaustion - and whereas I had seen no need until that point to do anything other than just carrying on the unstructured 'deschooling' through the 'school holidays', I really felt like I hit a wall and needed a break.  Enter a lovely holiday (booked last-minute), visiting friends and a mad camping weekend in the rain.  Those factors combined certainly provided the change of pace we all needed - and now I'm feeling ready to get into a nice steady routine again :)

So I've been thinking about what this next term is going to look like (I know, we don't have to stick to school terms, but this summer's experience has taught me that there is a real benefit to going with seasonal ebbs & flows). I haven't talked to the boys about it yet - partly because I want to pick my timing (time it wrong and it could turn into a 'big deal' discussion about learning, which could put them off), and partly because we've been a bit busy having holidays, visitors, and mad camping weekends ;)  I have a couple of things that I'd like to see: a return to the regular(ish) online curricula of MathsWhizz and Reading Eggs, with a little bit of an emphasis on handwriting too.  And as mentioned in a previous post, I do want to focus on training the boys in sharing jobs around the house as well.  All of this in a very gentle way though - I don't want to impose a heavy regime, I want the boys to be free to follow their own interests - these are just thoughts I've had.  It'll be interesting to see what the boys' thoughts are before we make any decisions... and of course, all decisions will be held very loosely anyway.  It is still of paramount importance that they enjoy their learning experiences!

So basically, I'm glad that flobberly day is over - fresh day tomorrow, and fresh term approaching as soon as we decide we're ready.  What with being refreshed by our holidays, that's all-round freshness! ;)

Cleaning Classes (and Cake)

I rain out of time to post yesterday, but we had a lovely day & there was something that I wanted to write down...

This week's been a bit tricky so far because I've been feeling pretty unwell with some kind of summer virus thing, and I knew we had a friend coming to stay (she arrived yesterday) so I wanted to get the house ready for her.  Unfortunately the illness left me feeling to drained to do anything so I spent two days just trying to supervise the boys from the sofa as much as possible (LOTS of Wii-playing and TV-watching - oh well, at least they enjoyed it, and it was only a couple of days).  Yesterday I finally started to feel halfway back to normal but quickly realised I still wasn't up to cleaning the whole house in a single morning, so had to make do with doing the bits the boys couldn't safely do, and then sitting on chairs/ beds and directing the boys.

You know what?  It was actually a bit of a revelation.  A friend and I had already been chatting about how we both felt the need this "term" to be training our boys (she has two boys too) in practical things like cleaning, tidying, general housework.  As I blogged the other day, I just can't carry it all by myself - but it's not just using the boys as free labour; I really want to train them in positive life-skills.  While I was sat on the bed talking Eldest through making his bed I realised that I have been doing everyone a huge disservice by assuming the role of she-who-does-everything.   It is actually ironically lazy of me to wear myself out doing all the work - just because it's EASIER than training the boys.  It's much harder to train others to do what I can do without really thinking about it - it takes an investment of time and patience to impart practical hands-on skills - but it is so worth it!  Somewhere down the line it will save time and stress when the boys are in the habit of tidying up after themselves.  Right now I have to accept it will take an input of more work to teach them - but that's OK, there's purpose to it :)

Anyway, so yesterday morning we between us got the house not perfect as I would have liked, but clean enough to welcome a guest.  In the rest of our time we chatted about the Netherlands (my friend is Dutch) and made an awesome (if I do say so myself) welcome cake in the shape of an owl - recipe here...

So that was my thoughts from yesterday - and hey, I managed to keep it brief! *pats self on back*  We're off out for a walk now, so until the next time...

Entertainers not Required

I haven't blogged much about the educational side of things lately - and there's a reason for that.  What with having time off from intense analytical thinking, plus a week away camping, plus planning (and cleaning) for visiting friends, plus feeling a bit poorly, I have pretty much left the boys to their own devices this month.  I haven't assessed so closely what they've been doing, haven't suggested any "work" etc - and there is a definite difference between their (non-directed) days at the moment and their days before the 'holidays', when they weren't exactly directed, but I was definitely more involved with asking them if they'd like to do things, reminding them that they could have time on the educational computer games, and generally strewing.  So I guess even though I didn't expect the "summer holidays" (as defined by schools) to feel any different to our usual life during "term-time" - in practice it has actually been different, with a lot more TV-watching and Wii-playing than we were having - and it looks like we'll be getting ready to gear-up in our learning a little (just a little) at about the same time that the schools are starting back.  Maybe I'm still influenced by school-thinking (It's certainly hard to ignore the 'back-to-school' adverts etc), but it's not necessarily a bad thing - we're all still learning all the time.

One of the things I have learned from these differences is that I do see a need for a little guidance in their learning - albeit very gentle guidance.  I like them to do a bit of Maths & English practice regularly, and I like to be able to observe some learning outside of that as well - but it's all very low-level, and nothing is demanded of them.  I want them to enjoy their learning, and fortunately they do enjoy the computer-based curricula (courtesy of Maths Whizz and Reading Eggs).  Eldest in particular is very proactive in choosing and pursuing the things he is interested in.  I feel very confident in his style of home learning - it's easy for me as a parent/ enabler to follow.  Middle is an entirely different learner, and I'm trying not to push too much or to expect him to follow his brother.  I think in a couple of weeks we'll be reintroducing Maths & English (he has started to show an interest in learning cursive writing again), and other than that, giving him lots of space to choose what he wants to do.  Where Eldest will grab a book and get inspired, Middle is a lot more inclined towards hands-on exploraton, such as art or construction - which is absolutely fine; just a different learning style.  He also likes playing games together, and there are plenty of educational ones available for us to enjoy :)  Youngest is easy - he'll be four next month, and really, as long as he carries on the way he's going with Reading Eggs, he'll be learning to read in no time (at his own pace, which is the important thing).  He goes through phases of enjoying workbooks, so I've got a few of those on standby too.  I do regret not signing him up to Maths Whizz when we registered his brothers simply because it was advertised for 5-13 year olds - I now realise as he is very numerate and loves their entry-level sample games, I could have signed him up too.  Anyway, it's not a problem - there are lots of counting & sorting games etc on sites like CBeebies, which he loves - and of course, lots of maths games that we can play at home - so there will be no lack of stimulation.

I have to say here: I realise that the whole 'providing stimulation' thing is a big con.  I am not responsible for keeping my children entertained, despite the overwhelming advice provided by parenting magazines, websites & experts.  As most Home Educators know, children have awesome imaginations and are more than capable if finding things to interest themselves with, indefinitely. However, as demonstrated by a radio-programme that I was listening to at the beginning of the holidays, there is a general consensus that it is parents who have to keep their children entertained over the summer (I would suggest it is that responsibility that cause so many of them to dread school holidays).  Why is this?  Personally I think it is largely because while they are at school children get used to being told what to do and when to do it.  When they aren't in school they often have a day or so of enjoying the time off, but then having lost their day-to-day usage of self-directed exploration and imagination, very quickly get bored.  Certainly when we came out of school at Easter we did hear "I'm bored" every now and then (but a LOT less frequently nowadays, if ever).  

Also I do think it's an issue that has grown in recent years - there is so much modern pressure in parenting generally: how to do it "properly" (eg who hasn't been to a toddler group where the assembled parents looked on disapprovingly if someone dared to give their little one crisps, or snacks other than raisins and rice cakes?) - and 'properly' seems by general consensus to include providing them with endless clubs, games, day trips etc when not in school.  If I think back to my own primary school years, I don't remember any sense of expecting my parents to roll on the entertainment.  School holidays were spent playing in the garden, playing in our rooms with our toys (no computer games then, which makes me feel like a dinosaur), playing with siblings, friends and neighbours.  Yes, there were a couple of clubs (that did NOT run for the whole holiday), and we had the odd trip to the seaside or the park, but generally we made up our own fun at home... and my parents weren't negligent; there just wasn't the same sense of obligation from what I can remember as there is nowadays to be a full-time entertainer.

And actually I think his is really unhealthy.  Why do so many of our teenagers hang around aimlessly in gangs?  Why do they seem to feel that society has a duty to lay on things for them to do?  How often have you heard "but there's nothing for us to DO..."?  Surely it's because they are leaving a childhood where their surrounding adults were expected to constantly stimulate them - to the point where they have lost their ability to think creatively for themselves. If we think back to the years before teenagers were invented (they are a Western phenomenon, only occuring in this last century), admittedly there was far more child labour than we would accept nowadays - but the hedonism and rebellion that seem to be expected of normal teenage life nowadays, just didn't exist.  Children grew into adults with no pause - they were expected to gradually lay down childish behaviour and taken on adult responsibilities.  (There are some great articles on the modern phenomenon of "teenagers" - you can find some here and here).  There wasn't the expectation on society to hand ready-made entertainment to them on a plate - rather the expectation was that young adults would be learning to contribute to society.  So by training them nowadays as children to expect their parents (or teachers) to stimulate them, no wonder as teenagers they struggle to find their own healthy entertainment.

Incidentally, one of the reasons why I'm glad to have turned to HE when we did is that none of mine have entered their teenage years yet - and I hope that by having more of a steady home influence, we will be better placed to help our boys through the tricky adolescent period - rather than losing them to the packs so often created at seconday school.  Not that they won't have friends - of course they will - but they won't have all the unhealthy peer pressure that seems inevitable in secondary school.

Anyway, all of this brings me full circle to where I started: I've not been doing as much with/ for my boys this month.  Modern parenting "experts" would probably gasp with horror - but actually it's been really good for the boys.  They're not being neglected - they are all clean, fed and loved; we've had lovely times together reading, playing etc; I always know where they are and what they're doing (especially Youngest) - BUT I am not their full-time entertainer (actually I never am - but even less so this month).  They have found their own entertainment.  Yes there has been more Wii-playing than I would usually allow, but they've been working together as a team to defeat the baddies in Indian Jones, and have been drawn closer together through that.  There's been more TV-watching than I would normally be happy with - but most of their chosen programmes have been education-based, such as the current favourites from the POP channel: 'Finding Stuff Out' and 'Lab-Rat Challenge'.  They've also been making their own games up on the trampoline, leading to a few incidents where I had to intervene, but generally being active, healthy, having fun in the fresh air without having to be told how to do it.  They've built some amazing lego models because I gave them space to work out for themselves what they wanted to do, without providing suggestions at the first hint of listlessness.  They are learning that the world doesn't revolve solely around them - sometimes Mummy can't drop everything to be at their beck and call: if I can stop what I'm doing to play, I will - I just love being with them - but the times when I have to pack for holiday or just need a few minutes rest to get rid of a headache aren't a total disaster.  They can have fun by themselves too - and you know what?  That's been a good lesson to learn.