You Can Do It Too!

It's that time of year again: Facebook walls covered with two main subjects: parents boasting on their children's unfailingly glowing school reports, and the onset of school holidays (viewed with great rejoicing or trepidation, depending on your age and/ or viewpoint).

I was going to write a "end of term report" for my boys, but all I could think to comment on was their 'creative' approach to school uniform, swinging as it does from PJs to Sith apprentice garb, to full-on nudity (what can I say?  It's been hot!)  Don't get me wrong: we've had a great year, I just don't have it in me to go back into teacher-mode as measurer of the unmeasurable (learning).  So no 'school report' here this year.

One of the other phenomena familiar to home educators is the glut of new people considering HE at this time of year.  It's like the 'back to school' signs which are already in the shops before the holidays have properly started have prompted some to say "Enough already!  No more will your new books, sharpened pencils and pristine school uniform tempt me to send my child back to school".  Their children's relief at the onset of the school holidays just shows how exhausted and discouraged they have become.  Obviously not all... some thrive in school - but many don't.  So this post is for those who may be considering Home Ed: to try to answer a few of the more common concerns, before the holiday is over and you fall for that malignant hope "maybe it will be better next term" (reality check: sorry, but that's unlikely).

Socialisation.
There is an important difference between socialisation (learning crucial social skills) and socialising (hanging out with their friends)
Your child will not experience socialisation (first definition) in school.  They learn to run in a pack.  They learn about peer pressure and conformity.  Some (more than we care to admit) learn about bullying and victimisation.  A child learns social skills primarily by the example of their family, and secondly by being given opportunities to mix with people of varying ages, abilities, passions.  That is a definite strength of Home Education.
They may well have more opportunities to socialise (second definition) in school, and for those sociable children (like Eldest) who thrive on being with their friends every day, HE can take some adjusting.  But in most parts of the country there are plenty of opportunities to meet and play with other home educators - just type your area into Facebook or Yahoo and you'll see what I mean.
PS If your child is not the obviously sociable sort that thrives on being with lots of friends, forcing them into a large group is more likely to make them even more introverted than bring out a previously unseen social side.  Some children - and adults - are happier with the company of a few others at a time.  That's OK.

Expense.
Home Education does not have to be expensive.  Some of us (I hold my hand up here) don't always succeed in resisting the many bargains listed online by the Book People or in shops like The Works... and if you want to follow a certain programme (whether single subjects online or whole-year printed curriculum), then the cost can add up.  BUT it can be done at very low cost: you just need paper, pencils, and somewhere to store their "work".  A library card is a must-have, and I would find it very difficult to do what we do without an internet connection and printer.  But other than that, the rest is really up to you.  No uniforms, shoes, PE kit, lunch bags, school trips to pay for.  You may even save money (and don't forget, we get to take off-peak holidays... not to be sniffed at)!

Qualifications.
Whose?  The child's?  It is perfectly possible for a child to be educated at home and still gain GCSEs, A-levels etc, if that is what you/ they want.  There are plenty of people out there who have done just that and can help you to do the same.  On the other hand some have skipped the qualification hurdle and gone straight into their area of interest/ expertise.  No other education provides so much scope for being tailored to the child's individual needs and skills, right up to adulthood.
If you (or those around you) are concerned about your own lack of qualifications to teach - don't be.  You can do it.  Home Education is just an extension of good parenting in my opinion.  You get to know your child: who they are; what their strengths are; how they learn best... and you do what you can to help them grow.  If, as they get older, they reach an age where their abilities have outstripped your ability to learn with them, well that is what tutors are for.  As long as you are interested in them, the rest just kind of flows.  And don't forget, there is a HUGE home ed community out there, just itching to help and encourage you if and when you hit a sticky patch.

Stress.
I used to think (and say) that the parents who missed their kids when they went to school were the ones who were the most natural home educators.  And that may still be true, to a degree.  But a close friend recently confessed to me that they were always relieved to see their child go back to school - and I was confused because in my opinion that person is a great parent.  Then a conversation with a friend helped me to see that my view had been too narrow.  Yes, it can be stressful being 'on duty' all the time - pretty much every home educator I know dreams of having a couple of hours off every now and then. But the stresses of home ed are NOTHING like the stresses of parenting a child who is unhappy in school.  From my experience (and the experience of others I know), when a child is struggling in school, it changes their personality - and that in turn changes the whole family's home life.  When we took Middle out of school, within a couple of months he was a completely different person - relaxed, more confident, less "difficult", much less likely to argue or get upset.  My relationship with him changed from one where I was always trying to manage his behaviour, to one where I just enjoyed hanging out with him, and got to see all his lovely qualities again.  So although I never really experienced the relief of sending your children back to school (maybe because that always meant I was back at work too), I understand how people can feel a sense of gratitude for not having to deal with all the stress full-time.  It's just that once you home ed, it's never the same.  Life is so much more chilled now... and that's coming from someone with three young, very lively boys, and a husband who works long hours away from home.  Stress schmess - I wouldn't miss my kids' childhood.

So those are the four obvious areas that seem to come up often.  I'm sure there will be others that are more or less significant for different people, but as I said to a friend earlier, if you are getting stressed out about the negatives, you need to focus on your vision for your child.  What is it that you want for them?  To be relaxed?  confident?  free to follow their interests?  Happy?  Is their school experience helping them on their way?  If yes, great!  If not - then maybe Home Ed is for you... worth further consideration at least!

PS If further consideration is what you are after, I can gladly recommend Ross Mountney's excellent book "Education without School". As I have said before, it was the first book I ever read specifically on home education - it answered all of my immediate questions, reassured me that it was a viable form of learning, and encouraged me that I could do it.  And if I can do it, you can do it too!  Go for it!

Peaceful Parenting

I need to mention that there appears to be a movement called 'peaceful parenting', but until very recently I was unaware of it.  Until I educate myself on the movement, when I talk about peaceful parenting I am solely referring to my attempts to parent my children more peacefully!

As mentioned in my last post, I have taken on the Orange Rhino challenge, basically to stop yelling at my kids (Orange Rhino blog here).  I have joined a small group of awesome, honest and brave ladies who have also taken on the challenge, and it is largely with them in mind that I'm writing this post... and who knows? There may well be others out there who are encouraged by it too. 

So, sadly and frustratingly I have not held my peace since my last blog.  But the occasions when I did lose it have been teaching me valuable lessons that I want to write down.  It's not that I didn't know any of it before, but the more I have been paying attention to this issue, the more clearly I am seeing these things...

1) Most conflict arises because of a clash of wills: I want the children to do something that they don't want to do.  Often it is something reasonable, like for them to stop running in a shop, or to eat their vegetables.  Sometimes it is just something that makes my life easier, like them turning down the volume on their nintendo, or passing something to me.  However, realising that I am asking them to do something they don't necessarily want to do has made it easier for me to see it from their point of view - to give them a little longer to answer, or just finish what they were doing before they respond - and rather than getting annoyed with them if they complain, acknowledge that what I'm asking is inconvenient and help them to work through their attitude to a peaceful one.  Ultimately this one is about respect.  It is an easy trap to fall into seeing our children as extensions of our selves, who should just do what we say.  But they are not - they are their own people.  Yes, our job is to help them grow and develop in healthy ways, but we can't and shouldn't try to "make them" do anything.

2) I am much more likely to 'lose it' if my attention is elsewhere.  When my attention is given to the boys, focused on what they are doing, how they are feeling etc, everything goes a lot more smoothly.  When I am distracted by my own stuff (usually something absorbing such as phone calls, reading a book, emails or facebook) I get irritated when the boys need my instant attention.  Thinking about this, this is the reverse of the prior situation (me interrupting the boys) so I can see how irritating it is for them too!  Anyway, it helps if I manage my expectations of what I can reasonably achieve during the day.  Generally I do not make or receive phone calls, as we have long since established that Mummy on the phone is an instant cue for screaming, fighting and general chaos.  Also I tend not to turn on my computer until after lunch as I do get fully absorbed, (and the mornings are more usually taken up with home ed work that needs my input).  For example, today I switched my laptop on this morning as I had some things I had to sort out asap from being away.  The boys were allowed to play on their nintendos, so I was confident that they would be equally absorbed, and once I finished with my online banking etc, I thought I'd try to catch up with a spot of blogging.  As I wrote the above sentence about not making phone calls, Middle started complaining and whining.  Immediately I could feel myself getting irritated & then realised the irony of writing about the need to give my children full attention, while not giving them my attention.  So I forced myself to put down my train of thought and focus on Middle.  His needs were quickly and easily sorted out, but that could so easily have escalated into my snapping at him - it kind of proves my point.
Of course, the draw back to this kind of full-on attention is that it can be pretty exhausting. Home Educators and stay-at-home mums are on duty all the time.  As the children get older, the hope is that they will become more independent, but for now while at least some of mine are still small, it's all-emcompassing, and that's not easy.  Don't get me wrong, it's totally worth it - and I'm not complaining.  But just because we do the best thing for our children, it doesn't mean it doesn't cost us.  And when energy levels are low it's much harder to manage our own emotional responses.  This is why I protect my 'grown-up time' so much.  I need that space in the evenings after all the children are in bed: to watch TV prgrammes of my choice, read a book uninterrupted, edit my photos, and generally just switch my brain off from full-on attending to the boys.  It's not that I can't do my own thing while they're up: I just have to be prepared for them to need to interrupt at times - and I'm still learning how to peacefully switch attention from my stuff to theirs!

3) Shouting triggers more shouting.  I know this sounds obvious, but it's made me think.  When the boys were babies, their crying would generate immediate and physiological responses in me: the milk letdown was a pretty obvious one, as mothers who have breastfed will know - but also the stress levels would shoot sky high until I attended to my baby's needs.  This is why men find it easier to let babies 'cry it out': they aren't hard-wired like we are to respond to a crying baby.
Well in the same way, if I hear my children shouting and screaming at each other, I have noticed that my stress levels rocket, and it makes me immediately want to shout at them to be quiet (as if that would work!)  It's just a vicious cycle.  They are only shouting at each other because they have learned that behaviour from me, so the only way I am going to help them stop shouting is to show them how.  I have to respond peacefully & calmly if they are shouting.  When my babies screamed I didn't scream back (tempting though it was to my sleep-deprived & addled brain on occasion) - no, I cuddled and soothed.  Well if I could do it then, I can do it now - it's all about that moment taken to remind yourself that they're not the enemy: they just don't have the words/ ability to ask for their legitimate needs to be met.

4)  Remember the reset button.  If I have messed up and shouted at one of the boys or spoken unkindly, it obviously takes its toll on our relationship.  I am learning not to beat myself up about it, but rather take a deep breath and start again... but not just reset my attitude - reset the relationship.  The other day (the last time I yelled) there was a conflict between Eldest and myself.  He had been in a fight with Youngest; they were both crying and needing comfort, but he was physically pushing me over in his insistence that I cuddled him first.  It was hurting my back so I yelled at him to stop - and then he disappeared off, feeling rejected.  It took me about five minutes to get up, make sure Youngest was OK, and calm down - and then I went to find Eldest.  He was obviously upset still, and very quickly started shouting over what I was trying to say.  All I could think was how hurt he must have been by my not hugging him back, so I managed to stay calm and explain.  After a while cuddling, he was happy again, and went off to play.  I do find though that after such upsets, even when peace has been restored, relationships can stil be a bit fragile and extra work is needed to stay close.  Often the next morning, as children will process the day's emotions while they sleep - so I try really hard to find positive things to share in the mornings, to reset the day, in case they've woken up feeling unsettled.  It just makes for such a lovely day when I remember to find a book to read together or a little snuggle and chat about what we'd like to do... or sometimes they like to look through our photobooks at pictures of us having fun together.  whatever it is, the reset button is a deliberate (on my part) choice of positive time together, to remind them that all is well - and it's amazing how much easier the rest of the day seems to flow afterwards.

I have been learning a lot more besides these points, but these four things in particular I'm finding really helpful to keep in mind while I retrain myself.  It's kind of risky sharing stuff this openly, but I've been so inspired by the Orange Rhino and her brutal honesty, that if I can help encourage even one person, then I figure it's got to be worth it.

And of course, for my boys it's totally worth it: four days in a row of not snapping, and hopefully many more to come.  Happy days!

OK Days are Good

We had a real job to get going this morning.  We had arranged to go and visit friends, so no chance of a pyjama day today - not that the boys minded in the slightest, for once.  However, our usual routine seemed a bit stale today, so rather than nag them to do their 'work', when they finished their Reading Eggs(press) we had a day off lapbooking, and did some creating instead.  I asked Youngest if there was an art project on my Pinterest board that he would like to try, and he chose a lion painting, originally posted by John Post - so we all happily sat down and mixed paints, chose brushes (it's SUCH a big deal to get the right brush!?) and got started.  Youngest hadn't gone very far at all when he decided he'd rather do his own thing.  "Are you experimenting?" I asked.  His eyes lit up: "YES!", and he promptly splashed paint about, squished it between pages of paper etc, all the time checking that I could see how well his "experiment" was going... very cute.  Eldest, Middle and I dutifully finished the project originally chosen by Youngest!

 Eldest's Lion

  Middle's 'Vampire Lion' (hence the red teeth)

 Mummy's Lion

 Youngest's 'Experiments' (above and below)

Middle decided that part of belonging to his club (based in the fort, now happily situated in their bedroom) was to involve a "taste test", where everyone tries four different items of food and rates them 1-5. He wanted to make all four items at once, but as they were all dessert items (that's my boy!), I persuaded him to spread it over four days.  Today the boys wanted to make lemon and lime cheesecake from CBeebies 'I can cook', but as we had no limes, we did lemon and orange cheesecake instead.  Unsurprisingly enough, I was the only one who really liked it (it was very citrus-y), but at least they tried it!

Over lunch we watched a DVD on explorers from our Now You Know-About DVD set.  They were engrossed in the tales of Captain Cook (though Youngest wasn't impressed at his being killed by the natives) and Columbus.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: we find TV can be sooo helpful when it comes to sparking new interests.  Obviously we love books and I do strew them often - but I also love having the odd DVD up my sleeve for times when the boys feel the need to just veg out.

So today was OK!  Of course, if you just go on what I've written above (the "edited higlights" so common to blogs), you could think "wow, they do so much, I wish we could do that well" - and I'm tempted to think that myself when re-reading.  However, things have been a bit stressy here with various issues going on, and my patience level has definitely dropped.  Today hasn't been all bluebirds tweeting and harmonious laughter... there was also a fair amount of runny noses, arguing in the car, freezing temperatures and loads of mess to clear up after the 'creating'!  Anyway, just sayin': Our 'higlights' can look pretty impressive (and they do encourage me: after all, that's mainly why I blog, because it helps me to see written down what we're getting up to), but on balance, yes, today was OK.. and that's a good thing.

PS If you visit John Post's blog (follow link above), check out his "teaching philosophy" pdf - I found it quite inspiring.